Adoption Grief

Hello Blogville friends! Welcome back, it is so nice to see you. This morning I am drinking a hibiscus tea as I write to you. My last blog of 2025! As an adopted person I feel it is important to continue to open up a dialogue about adoption topics (and sometimes other topics too) that impact on so many of us, so you will hear from me again in 2026! 

As you may have heard, within adoption, trauma and grief exists. Theirs, theirs, and yours. The birth parents’ grief, the adoptive parents’ grief, and the birth child’s grief. Plus, we all experience trauma as well. When life does not go as planned or expected, it is traumatic and we grieve what could, should, or might have been. Our lives are filled with ‘what if’s’. 

For those of you who grieve as birth parents:
If you were one of those birth parents who conceived ‘inconveniently’, remember the awful things people said to you, or about you? 
First they judged your sexual activity. Then they judged your choice to ‘bring shame to your family’ by walking around the community obviously pregnant. Conversely they judged you for going away to a home for unwed mothers, not even considering your grief at the loss of your support system. That was, for most birth mothers, traumatic. 

Later, they judged you for relinquishing your parental rights, while ironically, they would have also judged you for choosing to be a single parent. All through these judgmental times you were likely grieving your ‘reputation’. Interestingly, there appeared to be very little judgement toward the birth fathers. After all, ‘boys will be boys’ right? They were 50% a parent to that child but without the stretch marks, and likely little or no grief. 

You were unaware that one day your birth child would be judged for grieving the loss of you. They would feel grief when they understood what you went through to give them life. People expect anger from relinquished birth children toward their birth parent(s), not empathy, and they find your birth child’s grief confusing. 

For those of you who grieve that you  could not conceive:
Remember the awful things people said to you about your plan to adopt?Remember hearing them voice their pity behind your back, or even to your face, that you could not conceive a child of ‘your own’? They did not know how you may have grieved having to choose adoption as an option to raising children. 

Remember their horror stories about ‘failed adoptions’ and other ridiculous preconceived notions about ‘bad blood’. You did not know how much your family and your adopted child or children would be judged too. 

For those who fostered and then  adopted:
Society is divided about judging you; you are either heroes or gullible. Some people see your adoption of a child who happened to be placed with you as heroic. That you would adopt a child whose birth parents know who and where you are seems so brave to others. 

No one sees you grieving with the child while you offer them a permanency plan.

Others see you as being taken advantage of by the Child Protection staff. They worry that you haven’t thought this through and that the ‘real’ family might interfere, or worse, one day come back for the child. 

For those who fostered TO adopt: Maybe you too could not conceive and people’s pity turned to judgement at this decision. They thought that fostering meant that you were ‘trying out’ children before offering permanency. 

People were dumbfounded at the idea that the child’s ‘real’ family would know who and where you are; like adoption should be more like a game of hide and seek than teamwork.

I believe you grieved for the child and their birth family’s inability to safely reunite before offering permanency. I think you see yourself as a part of a child’s life team, offering permanency when their birth family members cannot. I do not think you see yourself as a replacement. 

Trauma and grief are a huge part of adoption because adoption always involves loss. How a family grows through adoption reminds me of a new little green leaf pushing through the spring layers of earth and the winter debris to reach nourishment. The odds of that little green shoot surviving are multiplied by the nutrients that surround it. 

Recognizing that trauma and grief are a part of the adoption process and learning how identity and talk about it as a family is very healing. I know you will find the words, just look inside your heart. 

Thank you so much for visiting with me today. I so enjoy your company and I hope you enjoy my stories. As always, feel free to comment here or send me an e-mail at [email protected]. Don’t  forget, follow me on Goodreads so you can be one of the first to get new blog post notifications. See you next time.