Hi and welcome back to Blogville my friends. Today is a Reishi Relax tea that I have steeped before tackling this difficult topic. Last time we talked about people’s reactions when people announce their intent to adopt. Now I’d like to talk a little about how you can, and should, be there for them. With respect, I may repeat some of the points of my last blog in order to stress the importance of support for these new families. These two blogs have been inspired by the fact that here in Ontario an Adoption Recruitment (and potential matching) event takes place in April annually. This is an opportunity for potential adoptive parents to be matched with children and youth who are in need of parents. So, those of you who may be friends with, or have relatives who have been matched with a child or youth to adopt as a result of this conference, please know that they will need you now more than ever.
This blog is directed specifically at folks whose friend or relative is adopting. If all goes as planned, they will become parents through adoption! They will experience fear and excitement about what their child will be like, what becoming parents will be like, and what raising their child will be like. Adopting ups the ante on an already difficult road, the road to becoming parents. What do they need from you? Truthfully, what they really need during the process is you: the supportive version; the excited version; the non-judgemental version; the encouraging version; the person they can trust to tell their fears to version; and sometimes, even the advisor version. Parenting is a difficult road already, adoption ups the ante. Support your friends or relatives when they hear all those negative adoption comments from other people. They need you! What does support look like on an adoption journey? Well, something like this:

In my experience, we still might host ‘baby showers’ for expectant parents, right? Yet, often adoptive parents welcome their child without such a tradition or fanfare. Why is that? Why do we expect that these new parents have everything they need to welcome their child? Despite the time involved in the application, training and home-study process, preparation for becoming parents to an actual child, youth, or sibling set is typically much less than nine months. They may be selected for, and about to parent a sibling set within weeks and suddenly find themselves in need of various supplies, equipment such as car seats, or even big items such as twin beds or bunk beds! Throw the darn shower for goodness sakes! Call it a welcome shower if they are expecting an older child! Ask the expectant grandparents what the expectant parents need, just like when a biological child is on the way. Be creative! 

If the expectant parent or parents will be parenting an older child it is very important to understand that they are still becoming new parents, (even if their child has some life experience already), and they will need support.
I cannot stress enough the importance of acknowledging that they will be parenting their ‘own’ child or children and will become their child/children’s ‘real’ parents. In my experience friends and family don’t dwell on the intimate details of how biological parents got their biological child/children so why dwell on on the adoption experience? It is time to simply focus on the new family and do whatever you can to support them.

It is important that you do not talk negatively about the journey they are about to travel. Trust me when I tell you that they have thought of all those things before deciding to go forward. Plus their adoption worker has already gone over even more about the risks than you can ever know. Talk support instead, tell them that even if this is all new to you, that you will be there for them. No one knows what the future holds for any child, no matter how they joined their family, so do not make and share any assumptions. Simply join this new family as a support. 

For goodness sakes, do not let your eyes bug out of your head when you hear they have been chosen for a 7 year old. Instead, recognize that they don’t just have 11 years with their new child; afterall, parenting lasts a lifetime! Acknowledging the fact that you believe they will be able to bond with their child without having given birth to them will be so meaningful. When they face challenges from having jumped into parenting an older child or siblIng set, be there, because they need you the most.

To me the bottom line is not how a child joined their family, but simply that they are now a family. In my experience, all families need supportive family members and friends. Being there and asking how you can help is the greatest gift you can give. 

As ever, if you would like to comment away from this public site, i encourage you to send me an email at [email protected]
Thank you for joining me in Blogville. See you next time.

Good day! Welcome back to Blogville, I’m so honoured and happy you are continuing to read my thoughts and hope that they are meaningful to you and making a difference in how you view adoption, kinship, and even foster care issues. I also hope you have a cup of tea beside you. I certainly do, it is a long one today. 

If you follow my blog posts, you know by now that random thoughts are with me almost all of the time. Today’s random thoughts seemed centred on the things people say to people who plan to adopt. Maybe it is the upcoming Adoption Resource Exchange in Toronto that is at the heart of this blog. Maybe it is about about some things people wishing to adopt  brought forward when I was an adoption worker. I thought it might be good to focus today’s blog on this. Let’s see how it goes.

People hoping to adopt often shared that when they announced they were applying to adopt, friends and family would often ask them, ‘Aren’t you afraid of bad blood?’ I mean, what exactly does that mean? If they were afraid of actual physical concerns with people’s blood based on geographic location or donors’ reputations, maybe they would only hold blood drives in neighbourhoods where they can find ‘good blood’, right? They would not hold them in just any old neighbourhood now would they? Oh wait a second, I just looked up Red Cross blood donation appeals. They say things like, “Donating blood is essential.” and “Donate Blood, Save a Life.” I did not read anywhere that, “Donating good blood is essential” I also read that blood drives take place in all kinds of neighbourhoods, not just ‘good neighbourhoods’. Nope, it would appear that no matter who they are, or where birth parents live, they just have regular blood, no ‘bad blood.’ Ok, I am being facetious (btw facetious means treating serious issues with deliberately inappropriate humour) but we have all heard the term ‘bad blood’ when it comes to people adopting. 

I find it hard to wrap my head around the idea that an innocent newborn could somehow be filled with ‘bad blood’ and that their blood would later determine the type of person they may become. So at this point, I am guessing that they mean an adopted baby somehow inherits a propensity for ‘bad behaviour’ from their birth parents, not that the baby might have actual ‘bad blood’ coursing through their veins. I think if we look into prison systems we will not see cells filled only with inmates who were adopted as infants or children will we? I believe we should be over this type thinking by now, don’t you? “Bad blood”. . . seriously. Sigh.
In my experience, when people announce their intention to adopt to friends and family, they are also met with other not-so-supportive comments like: ‘Parenthood is not what it is cracked up to be.” “Are you kidding? I envy your freedom!” or “You can take my kids anytime.”
I have a question for people who think that they are being supportive with these comments. If your friend or family member was missing an arm, and they told you they were considering getting an artificial arm, what would you say to them? Would you say things like: ‘Having two arms is not what it is cracked up to be!’ Or, ‘Are you kidding? I envy your disabled parking permit.’ Of course you wouldn’t. But for some reason, people who are parents often respond poorly to an adoptive hopeful’s announcement of their intent to adopt. Perhaps instead, you might consider saying, “Really? How can I help?”

I am a parent, I know what many of the parenting challenges are, I know the frustrations. These are all a part of parenting, right? Remember when you were expecting your first child? Remember how you looked around at all those other parents who were doing all the things you would never do? How they left their babies with grandparents while they went out? ‘Who does that?’ you wondered. You thought about how you would bring your precious child with you everywhere. You looked at those exhausted, often unkempt, parents and secretly thought, ‘I will never let myself go like that.’ Ha! Admit it, you remember your fantasies about what being a parent would be like for you. Well, when someone tells you that they are thinking of adopting, support the dream! They need your support, now more than ever! If you thought morning sickness and weight gain were challenging, try applying to adopt!

When you have a biological child, your intimate life becomes somewhat apparent to others; I mean we all know the biology of how babies are created. When you apply to adopt, you often have to explain your intimate relations to another person, usually a complete stranger, as part of the application process. If you are a couple applying to adopt, you have to explain it separately and then hope how you explained things matches what your partner says to your home study practitioner. When you are applying to adopt, the process must feel like people are holding you up by your ankles and shaking you until the truth falls out. 

Adoptive applicants have to take an actual parenting/adoption course, then there are financial forms, questionnaires, criminal reference checks, home inspections, interviews, and the list goes on. There is also a need for them to provide names of references, people who can speak to how the applicant gets along with others, how they interact with children, and a variety of other issues. So, when someone asks you to be a reference, you should feel honoured by their request. They are asking for your support and for you to be one of their application ambassadors. It really is a privilege. So, if you aren’t supportive initially or it doesn’t feel like you are taking this huge announcement seriously, they may not feel comfortable asking you to speak as a reference for them. That would be a loss for everyone. I mean, how often can you help someone you care about become a parent?? Oh, and, when they become parents, obviously you are also automatically signed up to take care of the child/children in future when the parent(s) is/are ready for a night out.

Other things that fall into the ‘think before you speak’ realm include statements/questions like:

‘How will you feel if they want to meet their real parents?’ (FYI your friend/relative will actually be the real parent, though not the biological parent.)

‘What about medical conditions, aren’t you worried about that?’ (Note: Birth children do not come with a written medical history, while adopted children usually do, so who is really at a disadvantage here?)

‘What will you tell them about being adopted?’ (Um, that they were adopted, that they have birth relatives whom they might be able to meet some day. Oh, and they will tell them their adoption story, just like you tell your child/children their birth story.)

‘If they have openness, are they really fully yours?’ (If you think about it, there are many people connected with your birth child too through your extended family members. A child who is adopted simply has a right to have connections with extended family members in their life too.)

‘Don’t you want to try to have your ‘own’ first? Have you tried IVF or other interventions to have a child ‘naturally’?’ (When you told people you were trying to start a family, did they ask how often you were having intercourse? No? Hmmmm, I won’t even address using the words ‘own’ or ‘naturally’, I have other blogs that deal with that.

I know you mean well and are trying to be supportive of your relative or friend by trying to ensure they have explored every option before considering the adoption process. However, you also need to know that when someone tells you that they are considering adoption, they are taking a risk on you. They may be sharing that they are infertile, or perhaps that they simply prefer not to get pregnant and give birth. They might be sharing that they want to make a difference for a child or children who find themselves available for adoption, here or in another country. There are more reasons for people choosing to adopt than there is space in this blog to list them all. 

What your friend or relative wants from you is support before and during their upcoming journey: someone to confide in when the journey is hard; someone to ask them about their journey and be ready to hear what they would like to share about it; someone to speak for them as a reference perhaps; someone to agree to be a legal guardian in the event that would be necessary; someone to get excited (rather than judgemental) about the journey they are about to travel. They simply want someone to listen, to offer encouragement, to help them navigate their feelings of grief, loss, excitement, fear, anticipation, disappointment, etc. and to be there. Just like the number of reasons for people to choose adoption, types of feelings about adoption are also too many to list in one humble blog post.

So, your friend or relative is adopting. If all goes as planned, they will become parents through adoption! They will be parenting their ‘own’ children and will become their children’s ‘real’ parents. They will experience fear and excitement about what their child will be like, what becoming parents will be like, what raising their child will be like. They may even have moments of regret about choosing to become parents; you know, like ‘regular’ parents often do. But what they really need during the process is you: the supportive version; the excited version; the non-judgemental version; the encouraging version; the person they will trust to tell their fears to version; the advisor version. You are the friend or family member whom they are choosing to travel this journey with. It is your honour to be asked, and it is your responsibility to support, no matter how hard or how often they need you. Parenthood is a difficult road already, adoption ups the ante. Support your friends or relatives when they hear all those negative adoption comments from other people, they need you! For goodness sakes, they deserve a ‘baby shower’ too. But I will talk about that, and adopting older children/youth, in my next blog. 

Thank you for your ongoing support and for continuing to read and comment on my blog posts (whether you agree with my thoughts or not). As always, if you prefer a more private way to comment, please feel free to email me at [email protected]
(By the way, if you are able, please consider donating blood. It truly is needed in your community.)