Welcome back my Blogville friends. Today I am simply drinking a glass of water. I could not decide on a tea flavour as I am too preoccupied. I thank you for coming to ‘visit’ every couple of weeks to read my words. Today’s words are a jumble so I hope I can make some sense of this for you.

I think we can all agree that we have heard many expressions using the word “word”: I give you: ‘Words can hurt.’; ‘Empty words.’; ‘I give you my word.’; ‘Can we have a word?’; ‘In a word.’; and ‘Have the last word.’ These are just a few English expressions using the word “word”. Other considerations are whether one is using the written word or using spoken words, as well as the intent of the word user. This is where I am stuck today.

As you may or may not know, I have written a book (filled with words) that was illustrated by my birth half-sister, Krista. There were many words, both written and spoken, researched and random used in the process of writing that book. As the author, I was using my words to create a resource that might help families who are together as a result of the adoption or kinship processes. At the same time, Krista was illustrating characters to give life to my words. I think one of the most important outcomes of this book was in the creation of it; Krista and I using our words to get to know each other as half sisters while watching the book evolve. 

Each signed book that leaves my home office to travel into the hands of a family or a therapist to help inspire open communication between children and their caregivers is celebrated. Each time I make my way to the post office to ship one off, I feel honoured. I am honoured that I might be making a difference by helping children who cannot live with their birth parents talk about how that feels. It is hard to be the child who is not living in a nuclear family in the way society expects. I hope our book helps them to use their words to ask their questions about why that might have happened. I hope it helps children to understand and learn about their unique story; a story in which they are the star!

When the book was released, someone suggested that I start a Blog on my website. I was in my early sixties when the book was released, what did I know about Blogging? I have always loved writing. I have written many short stories and even wrote some little ‘books’ over my lifetime. I was always the ‘go to’ person to personalize cards, often even creating cards for people celebrating something special. I would draw and write cards for my immediate family as I was growing up but that is not at all what I understood blogging to be. But then someone said, Blogging is just writing about something you know about. Hmmmmm.

So, I started a blog. Well, I suppose if you are reading this you already know that. I don’t know how to explain this but my blogs kind of write themselves. I will just be sitting there minding my own business and suddenly have some weird thought. Or I may have been out and about and had an experience that I thought other people might relate to, or just enjoy reading about. Suddenly it is pen to paper with the idea (or keyboard to screen if I happen to be home) and usually the blog begins to write itself. Other times I sit before my screen and cannot think of one thing to write about that may be of interest to even one person. It’s a learning curve.

I also belong to a number of Facebook groups related to adoption. I started joining those groups to learn more about adoption and adopted people, like me. When I was an adoption worker and birth parent counsellor there were no groups like those; in fact there was no Facebook until late in my career. I had started a support group once that welcomed birth parents and adopted people. We were ahead of our time as people were just beginning to acknowledge the impact of adoption on all parties; the child, siblings; the birth parents; and the adoptive parents. 

At that time it was not really the act of adoption itself that people were dealing with, but the impact of the secrecy and the government’s refusal to allow information to be shared with the adopted people and birth parents even when the adopted person turned 18 years old. People were just starting to talk about their rights as adult adopted people.

But I digress, I was talking about starting a blog. I don’t just blog about adoption but it is mostly the theme. I read about the feelings, many good, and many bad on those Facebook groups for adopted people and I understand the need to talk among ourselves about the impact that having been adopted has on us. I know what you are thinking but they are not all bad, those impacts, for many they have been positive and that is acknowledged and celebrated too. What these groups offer is a place where people understand the need to share without judgment. I feel like I have a goal with my blogs. They are about my life as an adult adopted person in that I just want people to understand how the impact of the decisions made by others redirected my life.

I am using my words to help people understand the impact of adoption on people who were adopted; at least based on my own experience. I write the blog in the hopes that adopted people might read it and feel supported and understood. I write in the hopes that adoptive parents might read it and gain some insight into how being adopted affects one person, me, but also that their child might be feeling some of the same feelings but not know how to use their words to express their feelings.

I understand that there is fallout to publicly giving opinions on any topic, especially topics with significant emotions attached. I risk sharing my words about the impact the decisions of my birth parents made had on me and know that their family members may read it. Despite that, I believe people need to be aware of the impact. Family members and friends need to understand why someone may not want to celebrate their birthday (no it is not about their age); or why someone becomes uncomfortable with matters of providing genetic information (and having to explain themselves), even being afraid to date as it may be a blood relative.  

I feel that people may need to be more empathetic in understanding that many adult adopted persons take things very differently (like rejection; real or imagined) and may immediately revert to their feelings about having been relinquished. I regret any discomfort this may cause people but I cannot bring myself to stay quiet any longer. Having been adopted impacts on people, but everyone is different. 

Adoption can be a positive option and change the lives of millions of children. I just want folks to know that for many, no matter how positive their adoption was, it leaves a mark. To bring attention to this, I must use my words! 

This begs the question of whether I have the right to share my thoughts and feelings of the impact my birth parents’ actions have had on my life? After all, 
Sometimes my thoughts are about the parents of my half-siblings; the children they wanted, kept and raised. Parents their kept children saw in a different light. 

One of my birth sisters wisely advises, “If the blogs bother you, don’t read them!”

Hearing that other people might be upset by my words made me wonder if I should stop blogging. Do you think I should?

I’m open to hearing your thoughts on this issue. You can leave your thoughts here in the comments, or you can send me an email at [email protected]
Thank you for reading my words. 

​So I am risking writing this blog of my thoughts about communication in marriage, well actually really about any two adults in a committed relationship and communication. I mean, I’m no expert but this summer my husband and I will be celebrating our 46th wedding anniversary, so I think we did ok. You be the communication judge!

Even though we have been together for what seems like forever, I can still remember the early days of when we first met and began dating. We dated for about six months before he offered his marriage proposal and I accepted. We remained engaged for two years while my then fiancé attended post secondary education in a different community. Lots of letter writing and long phone calls. Following our wedding we felt so grown up, imagine, all grown up at 21 years old. I can still remember the many ways our relationship changed when we became parents for the first time two years later. As young parents, both of us continued on with post secondary education while facing the challenges that presented themselves, such as day care, and all the other trials of parenting. By the time of our fourth child was born, I can barely remember if we were even talking on a regular basis, let alone effectively communicating, but we must have been. Oh and all of this while we were living in pre-cell phone (ancient) times! Imagine, communicating without messaging or texting!

Further proof that we were communicating is evidenced by the fact that the kids all got to day care, and school, and any extra curricular activities like Brownies, guitar lessons, soccer matches and so forth. So, clearly one or both of us would have had to get them there, stay to watch as appropriate to the activity, and then get them home again. I sometimes regret not having a communication money jar. A jar that we could have put money in when we communicated well. I picture that jar up on a high, but visible, shelf in the kitchen. Sometimes I picture that it would have been full of money and other times I see it completely empty. Ok, that’s not true, I cannot really picture it completely empty, just some days when there could have been more money in the jar. So for example, if one of us was coming in the door just as the other was rushing out with one kid or another in some uniform or another and all the kids had granola bars and juice boxes in hand for their ‘dinner’ to scarf down in the vehicle, that would have been a good communication event! Cha-ching, money in the jar! We wouldn’t have been rich but the jar would have paid for a few things we could have enjoyed as a couple. Who am I kidding? That jar would have depleted itself for dues, or entry fees, gas, or even parking meters lol, but still. . .

If you are a parent, I think you are aware of what is termed, “Work/Life Balance”. I have personally fallen off of that balance bar a number of times. For example, I recall randomly booking an evening work appointment, causing my husband to have to pack the Brownie and her sister into a wagon and walk to the activity because I had taken the vehicle to work. Or, other times, arriving home late after work surprised to find my husband, the children, and the wagon missing. A sure sign that I must have forgotten that one of the kids had some type of activity! Communication failure, no money in the jar.

I’m not sure if this has ever happened in your relationship but there are also the ‘misunderstanding’ and ‘not listening’ or ‘half-listening’ communication events. Like when your partner is truly curious why you have chosen those shoes, or that outfit, because apparently you misunderstood the nature of the activity you were getting ready to attend. Or when your partner gives you details of something and less than an hour later you start asking for those same details. Or, that time when your child was sulking on the couch and you tripped over their baseball equipment that was in your way when you came in the door? You were late because you had brought home chicken sandwiches after hearing your partner talking about “fowls (fouls)” at breakfast and you wanted to show you were listening. So . . No money in the jar.

Think about tone with communications like, “Are you making that for dinner?” “Are you wearing that jacket?” “Your mother called.” Communication can be so ambiguous. I remember in grammar/elementary school the teacher gave us a communication example. The example used was for a discussion about the description; “A black man’s wallet.” This could potentially mean a wallet belonging to an African Canadian person, or it could mean that the wallet itself could be black in colour. Right? Tone and grammar are a slippery slope in relationships. So, I think you can see how phrases like, “Are you making that for dinner?”, “Is that what you’re wearing?”, “I’ve been waiting for you.” all show potential for communication failures. I feel that those same communication concerns are now further heightened by text messaging. Text messages cannot relay tone very well, ergo the use of emojis. I’m sure each of you can think of a text message misunderstanding between you and the person you had been texting. Am I right? I know I can think of too many personal examples!

Listening with full attention was always a challenge while we were raising our children. Heck, listening with full attention was a challenge even before we had children lol. I remember one time when my husband was still my boyfriend, he went on a family vacation that I thought was for a week. At the end of what felt like a really long week I started walking by his home to see if the car was back. Each subsequent day that the car wasn’t back I started imagining all kinds of bad things. I worried about car trouble, or worse, and then wondered who would even think to let me know if they were in trouble? One day I saw a man coming out of my boyfriend’s house so I asked him if everything was ok. He seemed confused and said everything was good with the house. When I teared up and said I meant is everything ok with the family he said as far as he knew they were fine and would be home on Sunday. Apparently it was a two week holiday! I was so relieved. Clearly, I had simply not listened well.
I honestly don’t know how we made it through some days, but we did. That is how I know you can make it too! I hope you didn’t miss anything thing your partner said, messaged, or texted while you were reading this Blog! Thanks for reading, I appreciate it. 

If you have any comments, you can leave them right here or send me an email at [email protected] Just make sure to ‘communicate’ them. See you in two weeks. Take great good care of yourself and each other!