Grandparents’ Roles

Hello and welcome back to Blogville. Thank you for coming by to read my humble words and thoughts. My hibiscus splash tea seems the perfect beverage for this visit.

Today I want to share my thoughts about the role of grandparents in adoption. I often think that grandparents are forgotten when we talk about adoption, and we even forget that they are usually at the forefront as kinship caregivers. In my career I met many grandparents who took over their grandchildren’s care when the biological parents could not, or would not, care for their children. Instead of assuming the traditional grandparent’s role made up of hugs, treats and special visits, these brave people took on, and take on full time parenting for the second time in their lives. They leave behind their roles as fun grandparents and assume the lesser fun full-time parenting role.

I applaud and admire grandparents whose goals are to keep families together. It is no easy decision, or task, to start parenting all over again. At a time where they should be fun visitors that might spoil little ones on occasion, they instead become disciplinarians. Even more challenging, they often become the gate keepers of parental access. Imagine for a moment telling your child that they cannot see their own child, your grandchild, because access may not be safe, or because the supervising agency has simply told you not to allow access.

I also applaud grandparents whose grandchildren come to them via the adoption process. There are special challenges to becoming first time grandparents to toddlers, preschoolers, or even older kiddos. With some exceptions, the grandparents’ fantasy of holding that wriggling newborn is replaced by meeting a child who has a lived history of their own. A child whose birth family cannot, or choose not, to parent them. A child who needs a family to care for them and love them unconditionally.

The experience of an adult child placing their new infant into their parent’s arms is the dream of many families. Parents often joke that the reason they allowed their kids to grow into adults was their ability to give them grandchildren. Instead, families may be experiencing the grief of miscarriages, and/or the shock of realizing there will be no biological children and grandchildren. It is a different, but no less exciting, experience for grandparents to be introduced to a toddler, preschooler, or school aged child. The moment that your children introduce you to your grandchild or grandchildren (in the case of adopting a sibling set) is pivotal. I think of the moment you meet them as a ‘hold your breath’ moment for your family. It is only when you reach out to pull that infant, child, or teenager into your arms, and into your family, that your adult child can breathe again knowing that you unconditionally accept your new grandchild or grandchildren.

Sadly, I never had the chance to meet, or get to know either of my grandfathers as both of them had passed before I joined the family. So I never knew the acceptance of a grandfather. My paternal grandmother spoke very little English and was hard of hearing, but communication came in the form of giant hugs and little treats hidden in the folds of her ever present apron. I never felt any hesitation in her love for me. Acceptance came when she gave her birth grandchildren the same hugs and/or treats as I got.

My maternal grandmother was a quiet woman, tall, slim and always moving from one chore to another. She had raised 5 children, and had many grandchildren, but she had a way of making each of us feel important. I never felt any hesitation in her love for me. There was never any sign of favouritism either. I was just as much her grandchild as her birth grandchildren were. I had the privilege of living with Granny for a few months while I did a high school victory lap and I feel that the experience brought us even closer together. She taught me so many life lessons in that short time we had together.

One of my favourite memories of living with her was when birthday came around while I was living with her. Granny never said a word about plans or a special dinner. That was fine with me as being an adopted person the anniversary of my birth kind of sucks anyway. At home with my parents I would have appreciated the day being ignored (though it never was) so I was surprisingly hurt by the lack of fanfare at Granny’s. I had that, ‘maybe she really doesn’t see me as a ‘real’ grandchild after all’ feeling. However, when I got home from school I could smell spaghetti sauce. Apparently my mom had left some of my favourite sauce (hers) frozen in Granny’s freezer specifically for this day. When I noticed the lack of a birthday cake I was again surprised at the level of my disappointment. Granny and I enjoyed a spaghetti supper together and when I got up to clear the dishes she stopped me, got up, and reached into the cold oven to bring out the birthday cake she had baked and hidden. She had also hidden birthday gifts my parents had left for me and one that she had made for me. The love I felt for my grandmother at that moment was only surpassed by my feeling of acceptance. I really mattered to her as a grandchild, I was important to her. I may have been 18 years old on that day, but I was also an abandoned baby that had just been securely reminded that I had found a family. I was a ‘real’ grandchild.

So my message today is for you, my fellow grandparents. Please know that an adopted child is still your grandchild. Grandchildren are the children of your children, birth, kinship, adopted, step, or however else they have arrived, they HAVE arrived and they are yours to care for and love. Do not disappoint your grandchild, or your child, by showing any confusion about their child’s status in your family or in your heart, but more importantly, do not disappoint yourself. Love, not biology, makes families!

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