Hi everyone! Welcome back to Blogville, I’m so glad you can join me. I am sipping on a Honey Lemon tea as I write to you today. I am stepping away from the adoption theme today as the last few days, here in Northern Ontario, have been weather challenging to say the least. But we Northerners are a unique breed of people and when it comes to winter preparedness, we definitely have our priorities.


First, came the rain. We Northerners could not believe our eyes. Rain? In November? We were surfing the internet and texting each other to see if what we were seeing was correct. There were already a few centimetres of snow on the ground, and then rain, in November. What will we do if it changes to snow we asked each other. ‘Don’t worry, we’re Northerners!’, was the usual reply. Well, the snow came again, right on the heels of that rain. It was only 0 degrees yesterday we assured ourselves, not really cold enough to snow. . .right? Until we got dumped on, confirming that we were wrong.


Hubby and I decided to venture out for a late breakfast before heading to the store for some grocery shopping and I swear that what I’m about to share with you is true. The first challenge was clearing off the car, freeing it from the ice and snow;. The next challenge was getting the doors to open given the ice covered state of the door handles. We were grateful that the days of needing to use a key in the door handle were behind us but trying to clear the ice enough to push the unlock button proved just as challenging. 


We ran (as fast as people in their 60s can run) into the restaurant through the pouring rain. We shook our coats off in the foyer and were seated in a window booth. As we enjoyed our poached eggs and toast we watched the rain slowly stop and the sky open up to release. . .you guessed it, SNOW! The restaurant owner was walking from table to table asking people to be really careful out in the parking lot as it was icing over (and it is sloped). We could hear people congratulating themselves for thinking to bring or wear their clamp-ons (essentially boot grippers for snow and ice) as my husband and I looked down at our summer shoes. 


Realizing we were about to star in our own ‘Ice Capades’ clown performance we left the restaurant and made our way to our vehicle in the parking lot. We are pretty sure those clamp-on owners were actually smiling as they watched our performance. Cartoon versions of ourselves weaved, bobbed, and waddled across the sheets of ice toward our vehicle, holding hands (as we were in this together)! I was laughing hysterically at our performance on the unexpected icy surface. Incredibly, we actually made it without hitting the ice covered surface with anything but our shoes! I could almost hear the applause of the restaurant patrons who witnessed our performance as we got into our vehicle. 


There was a part of us that knew the clamp-on owners in the restaurant who weren’t watching our Ice Capade performance were instead on their phones searching the Ministry of Transportation’s website to find out what the earliest possible date is that they are allowed to put chains on their vehicle tires. I bet if you look at the date and looked up the top website searches on that date you would find MTO and the weather channel tied for first place. I’m pretty sure that calls for winter tire sales and/or installation appointments increased a hundred percent that day. Note that those same winter tires that had been on sale in May and October were either back to regular price or even a higher price effective that first snowfall day. 


Speaking of shopping, all those winter shovels, scoops, salt/sand mixes that shoppers walked past (in denial) for the last few months were now hot commodities. Within hours of the first snowflake hitting the dirt those items were flying off the shelves and landing in shopping carts right beside toques, mittens, and scarves. Looking for snow related items would be like searching for hen’s teeth within hours of the first snowfall. People would then drop their purchases in their entranceways while they ran out to sweep snow off of their barbecues, kiddie pools, and large pool covers. An unexpected snowfall draws Northerners out to protect their summer outdoor toys like a drip of honey on the sidewalk draws out ants. 


Northerners have their priorities though. First, does the driver’s side window open? This is a priority. This window is the portal to an overwhelmingly popular activity known as the Drive Thru! Imagine not being able to order your hot beverage, or hot meal, while remaining in the comfort of your snow-cleared vehicle because you forgot to ensure that the window would open. The worst part? You are already in the queue with cars ahead of, and behind you. Is this the day you will have to wait in line, ignore the repeated sound of “may I take your order” as you sheepishly drive past the order box and then wave sadly to the staff member looking quizzically at you literally ‘driving through’ and leaving without making a purchase?  Or, if you are quick, maybe you can jump out with a credit card that you can shove down between the vehicle chassis and the window glass until you hear the distinctive ‘pop’ when the ice releases the glass so you can drive ahead and place your order. Another approach I have seen is opening the back window and having the back seat passenger make the order, pay, and take in the order, all from a back window. I have also seen vehicles drive a little forward, past the restaurant window, and then open the driver’s door just enough to pay for and grab the order. We are a creative bunch who live in Northern Ontario. Visitors are always welcome!


Thank you for stopping by Blogville today my friends. As always, I love to hear from you with your comments about today’s blog. If you prefer a more private communication, please feel free to email me at [email protected] ‘See’ you next time, take care of each other.

Welcome back to Blogville friends, will you join me in a green tea as you read today’s blog post? I’m so glad you are here. 


Let’s start with a question for adoptive parents. When you notice your child examining your face, do you assume that they are examining your face and imagining what their birth parent’s face might look like? 


I suggest that you not assume they are looking at the differences between your face and theirs. They may actually be looking for the similarities. Remember, even children of a different culture than yours typically have two ears and two eyes, a nose, a mouth, a forehead, cheeks, and a chin, just like you do. These features may look very different or very much the same as yours. Instead of assuming, I suggest asking your child to identify what is the same between the two of you, and what is different. 


If a child has dark skin and you are very pale-skinned, they are going to notice. Talk with them about the differences in your skin. After all, their brown eyes and your blue eyes are different for a reason, their hair may also differ from yours, along with their body type, height and weight. These differences exist because they have been adopted. Talk about that. 


Your child will recognize and identify your face simply because it is the face of their parent; the parent who tucks them in, reads them books, tells them “no”, and takes care of them. Is that not the most important recognition? Sure, they may wonder why their face is different from yours (if it is), but parenting is not about looking the same as each other, it is more about being recognized and identified as their parent. 


Children may look more like their birth parents, especially in the case of cross cultural adoptions, but when they look at your face, they know. They can see who you are, and more importantly, who you are to them. Even children who maintain contact with their birth family members know who their parenting parents are. Most children at one time or another fling angry words at their adoptive parents when they never, or rarely, do this with their birth parents. This usually happens simply because they know they can risk sharing their frustrations and feelings with you, and that, no matter what, you will still be there for them. 


I remember first as a child, and then later as a youth, always being physically compared to someone in my adoptive family. Mom would say that I was tall like my dad, or like her mother. My dad would simply say I was tall for my age, then, without thinking it through, would sometimes say I looked like a ‘hockey stick with hair on it’. Yeah, go ahead and cringe, I know I did. 


My dad tried to navigate uncomfortable things with humour. My mom, I think, was just trying to make me feel like I belonged. I think she truly believed that if I thought I looked like someone in my adoptive family, I would not try to shake my birth family tree for resemblances. After all, I wouldn’t have to if I felt like I really belonged, really ‘matched’ my adoptive family.


How I remember it is just having a strong sense of wonder. I would wonder if I looked more like my birth mother or my birth father. I wondered if I passed them on the street, whether or not I would recognize them. I would look with interest at people in my school who looked even the slightest bit like me and wonder. Did their mother have a baby before them with another man? Did their father make someone else pregnant before he met their mother? Could they be a half-sibling to me, or maybe even a full sibling? This wondering had nothing to do with loving my adoptive parents and everything to do with simple curiosity. 


So many adopted persons today are spared that wondering. They may have actual pictures of their birth parents and other birth relatives in a life book that was gifted to them in the adoption process. They may have contact with birth relatives with whom they can compare their likenesses and differences. I think that it would have been pretty neat if that could have happened for me. Who I looked like may have helped me see into my future. 


When you are young the following questions can matter a great deal:
Will I be tall, or slender? Should I consider athletics? Will I get bad acne in adolescence? What changes can I expect in my body as I grow into an adult? These are just some of the  many things I was left wondering about because I had been adopted. 


That being said, I never had to wonder about the faces of my adoptive parents. I knew the shape of their faces by heart because I saw them every day as they parented me and helped me navigate through life. I knew the colour of their eyes, how they darkened when I misbehaved, and how they lit up with pride at my accomplishments. I knew that my dad was tall, and strong enough to carry me on his shoulders and that the world looked very far down when he did. I knew that my mother’s arms fit around me just right and that her sleeve always seemed to have a tissue there for when my heart was breaking. I knew that I was fair-haired while both of them were dark-haired but my mother often jokingly warned that their hair would get lighter as it turned grey from worrying about me. ‘No one knows a woman’s true hair colour anyway’ my dad would say. 


I would know their hands anywhere; I ran from them when I had misbehaved and I ran to them when I needed help. My dad’s hand and fingers often gripped a pencil tighter and tighter as he tried to get me to understand math, an ongoing exercise in futility. My mother’s hands were always busy creating sweaters, hats, and scarves; or her fingers deftly running the Singer sewing machine to create pants long enough for me so I didn’t look like I was ‘expecting a flood’. 


When I looked at my parents, all I saw was love. It never mattered to them that I was born to other people, I was theirs. It was their responsibility to turn me into a productive and kind human being. They took on that responsibility through paperwork, not labour and delivery, but they took that commitment very seriously. 


As an adult, through changes to adoption disclosure laws, I got to know the faces of my birth parents. I got to know the faces of my birth half-siblings. This information did fill in some lifelong gaps for me. My birth father was a very tall man, with blue eyes. My own face is reflected in the photographs of my birth mother, uncannily so in fact. But when you talk to me about my mom or my dad it is not my birth parents’ faces I see, it is the faces of the two people who shaped me to be who I am today, my adoptive parents’ daughter.


Thanks for reading! As ever, I would love for you to share your comments. If you prefer a less public forum to do so please feel free to email me at [email protected]. See you next time.