Hello Blogville friends! Welcome back, it is so nice to see you. This morning I am drinking a hibiscus tea as I write to you. My last blog of 2025! As an adopted person I feel it is important to continue to open up a dialogue about adoption topics (and sometimes other topics too) that impact on so many of us, so you will hear from me again in 2026! 

As you may have heard, within adoption, trauma and grief exists. Theirs, theirs, and yours. The birth parents’ grief, the adoptive parents’ grief, and the birth child’s grief. Plus, we all experience trauma as well. When life does not go as planned or expected, it is traumatic and we grieve what could, should, or might have been. Our lives are filled with ‘what if’s’. 

For those of you who grieve as birth parents:
If you were one of those birth parents who conceived ‘inconveniently’, remember the awful things people said to you, or about you? 
First they judged your sexual activity. Then they judged your choice to ‘bring shame to your family’ by walking around the community obviously pregnant. Conversely they judged you for going away to a home for unwed mothers, not even considering your grief at the loss of your support system. That was, for most birth mothers, traumatic. 

Later, they judged you for relinquishing your parental rights, while ironically, they would have also judged you for choosing to be a single parent. All through these judgmental times you were likely grieving your ‘reputation’. Interestingly, there appeared to be very little judgement toward the birth fathers. After all, ‘boys will be boys’ right? They were 50% a parent to that child but without the stretch marks, and likely little or no grief. 

You were unaware that one day your birth child would be judged for grieving the loss of you. They would feel grief when they understood what you went through to give them life. People expect anger from relinquished birth children toward their birth parent(s), not empathy, and they find your birth child’s grief confusing. 

For those of you who grieve that you  could not conceive:
Remember the awful things people said to you about your plan to adopt?Remember hearing them voice their pity behind your back, or even to your face, that you could not conceive a child of ‘your own’? They did not know how you may have grieved having to choose adoption as an option to raising children. 

Remember their horror stories about ‘failed adoptions’ and other ridiculous preconceived notions about ‘bad blood’. You did not know how much your family and your adopted child or children would be judged too. 

For those who fostered and then  adopted:
Society is divided about judging you; you are either heroes or gullible. Some people see your adoption of a child who happened to be placed with you as heroic. That you would adopt a child whose birth parents know who and where you are seems so brave to others. 

No one sees you grieving with the child while you offer them a permanency plan.

Others see you as being taken advantage of by the Child Protection staff. They worry that you haven’t thought this through and that the ‘real’ family might interfere, or worse, one day come back for the child. 

For those who fostered TO adopt: Maybe you too could not conceive and people’s pity turned to judgement at this decision. They thought that fostering meant that you were ‘trying out’ children before offering permanency. 

People were dumbfounded at the idea that the child’s ‘real’ family would know who and where you are; like adoption should be more like a game of hide and seek than teamwork.

I believe you grieved for the child and their birth family’s inability to safely reunite before offering permanency. I think you see yourself as a part of a child’s life team, offering permanency when their birth family members cannot. I do not think you see yourself as a replacement. 

Trauma and grief are a huge part of adoption because adoption always involves loss. How a family grows through adoption reminds me of a new little green leaf pushing through the spring layers of earth and the winter debris to reach nourishment. The odds of that little green shoot surviving are multiplied by the nutrients that surround it. 

Recognizing that trauma and grief are a part of the adoption process and learning how identity and talk about it as a family is very healing. I know you will find the words, just look inside your heart. 

Thank you so much for visiting with me today. I so enjoy your company and I hope you enjoy my stories. As always, feel free to comment here or send me an e-mail at [email protected]. Don’t  forget, follow me on Goodreads so you can be one of the first to get new blog post notifications. See you next time. 

Hello Blogville friends! Welcome back, it is so nice to see you. This morning I am drinking a ginger green tea as I write to you. As an adopted person I feel it is important to open up a dialogue about adoption topics (and sometimes other topics too) that impact on so many of us. 


I also hope that adoptive parents read my blogs so they can talk with their children about tough things and help them know that their feelings about having been adopted, and having been freed for adoption, are normal and that they can, and should, talk about them without feeling guilty. 


I have been thinking a lot lately about what my birth mother might have done differently that may have made my journey a little easier. I began to wonder what a difference it might have made if she had left me a letter. I wonder what she might have written in that letter to me.


What if she had left me a letter explaining why she was leaving me behind? Would that have helped me feel less worthless? Maybe if she explained why she felt that she had to give me up, or whether or not it was fully her decision, maybe I would have felt less like an inconvenience, or a mistake that had to be corrected? 


What if she had left me a letter telling me about herself, what her dreams were, and how keeping me was simply not an option? Maybe I would have felt less disposable. Instead, I could have grown up knowing whether I was like her in any way. Knowing I was like her even the smallest way might have comforted me when I felt alone. Honestly, you really can miss someone you never even knew.


I wish she would have left information about her relationship with my birth father, or even just what he looked like and the kind of person he was. I always wondered if he loved her and was kind to her. It would have meant a lot to know if he knew about me, and if he cared. It would have been important to know if he had agreed that I was not worth keeping.


In her letter she could have offered her rationale for having to leave me behind, sparing me a lifetime of wondering what was so wrong with me that my own mother did not want me. You can see how that can leave an impact on a child, even as that child grows into an adult. Perhaps I may have found some peace in  knowing that it was her hopes for her own future that drove her decision instead of some act I had committed in utero.


Maybe even just  knowing how she felt being pregnant with me and what her labour and my delivery had been like would have brought me some peace. I know how much my children enjoyed hearing about the day they were born. I would like to have known that too. Did I cry when I was born? Did she hold me and look me in the eyes before they took away. Did she speak words of explanation that I may not have understood, but I surely would have stored on some cellular level. 


In her letter she could have told me if she would think of me on my birthday each year, and if she would miss me, even a little bit. Maybe I would not have been so sad on my birthday, wondering if she missed me and was thinking of me too. In her letter she could have told me what she named me when I was born and what, if anything, the name(s) meant to her. Then I would have known what name she used when she thought about me. I cannot imagine that she went through life without ever thinking about me. I hope I mattered more than that.


In her letter she could have told me if she planned to come and find me one day. Maybe I would not have been wondering if she was secretly in the audience when I was in a school play, or when I would perform on stage as a ventriloquist. I often wished she would have left a letter telling me if there were any ventriloquists in her family, besides me that is, because maybe I got that talent from her. Or she could have told me about other talents in her family. I might have had more confidence to try new things if I had known what some of my birth relatives were good at. 


In her letter she could have told me it was ok for me to be raised by other parents and to belong to another family, and that by choosing an adoption plan she actually wished this for me. Maybe I would not have felt disloyal for really loving the family that chose me. Somehow, I think it would have been easier if she had given her permission for me to love my adoptive family.


It hurts my heart when I think about how she never left word in a letter that I had a half-sister who was also signed away, left behind in our birth mother’s quest for happiness. I think it may have helped to know that there was someone just like me out in the world and that I was not alone. Maybe my sister and I could have found each other sooner.


In her letter she could have prepared me for the future. She could have told me not to look for her, that she planned to get married and raise a family one day when she was ready, and that I would not be welcome. She could have warned me that when she would be offered the chance to meet me one day, she would say no. I might have been better prepared, or at least have been somewhat prepared. I never expected her to say no, or that she was capable of abandoning me twice.


In her letter she could have told me that she did not plan to tell her future children about me, and that to one day meet and introduce me to them would somehow sully her reputation as their parent. In her letter she could have told me she was afraid of altering who she was and what her children might think of her. I wish she would have known that one day when I actually met them they would welcome me and her other birth daughter with open arms as their sisters, their mother’s other daughters. That might have brought her some peace.


I wonder if my parents had had a letter to share with me, if it would have helped them to answer my endless questions about my birth mother? Well, it could not have hurt, that is for sure. Finally, I wonder if knowing whether or not she cared about me and hoped that I would be loved and happy in another family would have helped make my existence feel less accidental, or knowing that she had held me in her arms, even once, would have made me feel, well, less disposable. I wish she would have left me a letter.


Thank you so much for visiting with me today. I so enjoy your company and I hope you enjoy or at least benefit in some way from my thoughts. As always, feel free to comment here or send me an e-mail at [email protected]. Also, you follow me on Goodreads to be one of the first to get new blog post notifications. See you next time. 

Hello my Blogville friends, thank you for coming back to visit.  Today I am seeking solace in a cup of peppermint  tea as I write. I want you to know that I blog as an adult adopted person so that others do not feel as alone as I have felt for most of my life. I always thought I was the only one who felt like I did at times in my life, abandoned and different from the ‘norm’, like an intruder. I now know there are other adopted persons who felt/feel the same.


For me, I often felt and sometimes still feel like an intruder. Like I was not, or am not, supposed to be here. There are days that I feel like I should apologize for simply existing. Therefore I understand when my friends make plans that don’t include me as I am not worthy of their friendship, and when they do include me I feel grateful, but often feel like an intruder. 


After all I intruded on my birth mother’s plans by existing in her womb. Unlike being an unwed mother today, in the 1950s it was a shameful predicament. By virtue of simply existing I was intruding on her reputation and her immediate life plans. By choosing an adoption plan for me, she ensured that I did not intrude on her future plans; which were apparently to find a man, marry him, and settle down to raise a family. She had plans to have, and raise, ‘legitimate’ children. I had intruded on those plans but it turns out I had simply delayed them. My birth mother met and married her husband within 2 years of my birth and she had her first legitimate daughter about a year after she married.


Being an intruder has plagued me most of my life. I always knew that I had been adopted and that my parents had always wanted me. I feel like the only time I did not feel like an intruder was with my parents and my grandmothers. I was just Eddy and Leona’s daughter. There was no special treatment, especially with my mother’s mother. I think I have mentioned before that my maternal cousin’s parents had separated and my grandmother felt so sorry for her that she made sure my cousin didn’t have to do dishes or other chores. Apparently having your parents separate was more of an anomaly than becoming a family member through adoption. That acceptance was worth more than gold. I would rather have done all the dishes than feel like an intruder in my grandmother’s eyes.


In hindsight, having been adopted may have been what stopped me from forming many friendships when I was growing up. Somewhere deep inside I was never sure if my birth mother might come for me, that maybe this whole adoption thing was a huge misunderstanding, and I might have to leave with her. I spent a lot of time feeling like an intruder in my own life while waiting for my birth mother to show up and claim me. It’s funny how my birth father never entered my mind in terms of coming to claim me. Society had led me to believe that he probably did not even know I existed. That speaks volumes about my adolescent view of birth fathers; as innocent victims of the adoption process.


School activities related to family such as genograms and family trees were challenging, as were biology classes related to genetics. I always felt like an intruder in those classes, like I did not belong because I did not have the information needed for our homework assignments. I was caught between needing information and not wanting to hurt my parents by asking them questions I knew they could not answer. I did the only thing I knew to do, I made stuff up. I would rather be found out as a liar than as an intruder with no genetic or biological family information.


As an adopted person I also felt that I might have to leave my family at any time. I lived in fear (and hope at times) that my birth parents would simply come and get me. I felt like I was an intruder in my own family, so you can imagine what my friendships were like. Sometimes, I still feel like an intruder when it comes to friendships. It is funny how I expect to be left behind but yet I am mortified when it happens. When I was a child, if I got invited to a sleepover or a birthday party I always felt that the child’s parents had made them invite me as I could not believe they truly wanted me to be there. If a friend invited just me for a sleepover it would always be a lot of fun but if there even just one more guest I felt like I was intruding on their fun. I always took it personally if I saw my friends with other friends; acknowledging my worthlessness.


I would love to say that I outgrew this but sadly, it still plagues me. I often feel that I am invited to things because people feel they have to ask me. Socializing with groups of friends I often feel that they really just want my husband there but, obviously, had to include me. I often still feel like an intruder.


As an intruder I always feel obliged to make people comfortable with their decision to include me so I always bring along my sense of humour. Even on my worst days people can count on me to lighten the mood or make them laugh. It is my desperate attempt to feel included, wanted, even liked. To feel less like an intruder, even for a few minutes. 


When I was young I can remember wondering why my parents kept me. This was especially strong when I was being consequenced for some childhood behaviour. Unlike birth children, I always felt like there was some kind of return policy and I can remember the panicked feeling when I was in trouble. It felt like maybe mom and dad realized that I was just an intruder and might send me back.


Apparently without adoption papers, friends do not have the same obligation as family and can simply walk away. I often feel that, as an intruder, my friendship privileges could be, and have at times, been revoked; it makes for a great deal of insecurity. 


However, as an adopted person, I have come to accept the threat of further loss in my life. I feel that, if my own birth parent(s) did not want me intruding in their lives, I really cannot expect more from family and friends can I? 


This is why I am so grateful for the people who choose to love me, the people who truly like spending time with me. They are the people who make me feel like I belong, and that I am not intruding. I love you more. ❤️


Thank you for visiting with me today. Your comments are most welcome here or by email at [email protected]