Chosen By One

Hello Blogville friends! Welcome back, it is so nice to ‘see’ you. This morning I am drinking a hibiscus splash tea as I write to you. As an adopted person I feel it is important to open up a dialogue about adoption topics (and sometimes other topics too) that impact on so many of us. That is why I continue to write to/for you. 


I don’t know what I was dreaming about last night but I had the strangest thought when I awoke this morning. ‘My husband is the only person in the world who specifically chose me.’ Further, despite all my flaws and insecurities, he has committed to that choice for 46 years (so far). Honestly, he is the only one who has chosen to commit to me despite all other options, for better or worse.


I mean, think about it. As an adopted person, my birth mother and all of her extended family members did not choose to keep me. My birth mother decided that my birth father would not be offered the choice to parent me, so he was never told of the pregnancy. Therefore his option to choose to parent me was off the table. As a result of relinquishment at birth, one can feel ‘unkeepable’,  unlovable, unworthy. Certainly not someone worth choosing!


My third foster home tried to choose  to keep me but they were refused the option by the child welfare agency. In truth, even if they had been able to keep me, the reality is that they had not actually chosen me specifically. It would have just been fallout from having cared for me (after two less than caring foster care placements), but at least they had been prepared to commit. 


My mom and dad chose to parent me through adoption. Parenting through adoption was not their first choice though; biology had forced their hand. They also did not choose me specifically, they simply accepted the nine month old baby girl offered over the phone by an adoption worker. It made sense to adopt a little girl as they had adopted a little boy already. So technically, they chose a little girl, not me specifically. Please know that I am not saying that they did not love and care for me deeply as their daughter, because I know they did. I’m just saying they did not choose me specifically.


My brother (through adoption) was just a small child when I arrived, and like most siblings (birth or adopted), he had no real say in the matter. No real choice. I feel that siblings through adoption are not much, if at all, different than birth siblings in terms of commitment.


I have always loved the expression, “Friends are family you choose for yourself.” Friendships come and go in one’s lifetime; long term commitment is not a real expectation. Friends choose to hang around with each other while they share commonalities. Friends are usually there to support each other in life’s big events as well as enjoying spending time together simply every day living. So many shared life events. As many of you likely have, I too have had friendships come and go over the years; each ending painful, but not unexpected. I am always aware that I may not be worth keeping. 


Friendships can fall victim to growing up, geography, lifestyles, career choices, misunderstandings, divided loyalties, religion, and even, sadly, politics, to name a few. There are many exceptions thankfully, that allow friendships to weather those storms. Over my lifetime I have lost friends to those storms. Every single one felt like a lifetime commitment, until it wasn’t, and I grieve each loss. As a person who was relinquished at birth, I acknowledge that I must be hard to stay friends with, it’s not them, it’s me.


My children are connected to me really by default, however, having a relationship with me now that they are adults is their choice. Their spouses are connected to me by law, as in mother-in-law. Obviously any of them can choose to spend time with me, or not, but they are my children, or married to my children, and their children are my grandchildren. In that connection, none of them really have a choice. 


So, getting back to my husband, he is the only person in my life who met me, found something special in me, and decided to be with me until one of us is no longer here. Every single day, he chooses to continue to be with me, to put up with my moods, my idiosyncrasies, my lack of self-esteem and confidence, and my fears. He picked me, and he chooses to spend his life with me, for better or worse. Believe me, he has seen me at my worst, but still he loves me, and remains interested in my thoughts and feelings. He stays because he wants to, he chooses me! He is my one and I love him, I choose him back!


Thank you so much for visiting with me today. I so enjoy your company and I hope you find something of value in my thoughts. As always, feel free to comment here or send me an e-mail at [email protected]. Did you know that if you follow me on Goodreads, you will be one of the first to get new blog post notifications? ‘See’ you next time.