Dear Birth Mother (& others)

Hello Blogville friends! Welcome back, it is so nice to see you. This morning I am drinking a green tea with lemon. I added a bit of honey in order to sweeten my tea as I write to birth parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and even cousins on behalf of adopted people who are about to turn 18. If you know anyone who fits into any of those categories, please share this blog with them.


In Ontario, and several other Canadian provinces, at 18 years of age an adopted person has some rights to ‘sealed’ file information, and opportunities to seek out birth relatives. I’m not sure what the rules are where you live but if you fit any role in the ones I mentioned earlier, you might want to check out what happens when children who were placed for adoption become legal adults; and if you can connect with them.


For birth parents, especially birth mothers as they definitely know about their birth children’s existence, this is your chance to update your birth child about who you are today. If they are seeking information this is your chance to tell them about who you are now. They are now old enough to be provided file information from when you relinquished your legal right to parent them. I always hope that their adoptive parents have been providing these details as the child was growing up so they ‘know’ you a little. However, we must remember that the adoptive parents may not have been given adequate information, and sadly, may even have been given some incorrect information that they have innocently shared with your birth child. 


Even if your birth child has been given some details about you as they were growing up, typically people have changed in 18 years or so. I am pretty sure you are living a different life today than you were back then. I am not sure if you are aware, but you can write an updated letter and submit it to the agency, lawyer, or private practitioner, that handled the adoption. This is where your birth child with start their search if and when they decide to do so. If they do approach the agency, or agent who handled the adoption, they will be provided the original details as well as any updated information you have provided. I only wish that I could only fully express what a gift a letter of update would be for your now adult birth child. 


From the original file, your birth child would likely have been provided some minimal information (mostly medical history in my experience) about your extended family members. As a birth parent, you might have provided your worker with some idea of the roles your parents and other extended family members played in why you made an adoption plan for your birth child, which would be shared with them in a file disclosure. In your letter, it will be relevant to let your birth child know how birth relatives have coped with your decision (supportive, ignored it, etc.) over the years, and if in fact, they are still living. You are likely able to provide a more complete medical history on the health of your extended family members as at least 18 years have passed since you first provided information to an adoption worker or adoption agency representative.


If possible, a further ‘gift’ would be to provide updated information about the birth father. We all know that sometimes birth mothers did not give any information on the biological father for many reasons. In some cases the pregnancy occurred in an involuntary scenario and you truly could not provide any details about him. Your adult birth child will appreciate knowing that you actually cannot provide any information as opposed to not wanting to provide it. In other scenarios you may wish to continue to protect the identity of the birth father for your own reasons but you have likely kept up with where and what he is doing today, or can find out. Without revealing his identity there may still be some information you can provide such as physical characteristics, any medial information he may have disclosed during your relationship, as well as type of employment, interests, talents, sense of humour and other traits you may have noticed. This person is responsible for half of who your shared birth child is. If you are simply not wanting him to know about this adult child, you must think about the fact that you are purposely withholding information from someone who did not ask to be conceived and then made to lead a life full of unanswered questions. 


Your birth child will want to know if they have any siblings that you, or their birth father, may have had. Their original social and medical history will have told them of any siblings born prior to them, but then sibling information simply ends with their birth as a result of the file closure. If your birth child has been aware of the existence of any older birth siblings they will have had some time to prepare and adjust to that idea. When your birth child learns of any birth siblings born to you or their birth father after them, this may be a bigger adjustment. For some it might mean to them that they were left behind and then replaced. They will need time to consider this huge piece of information, and may even seek counselling to work through their feelings. For others, they may seek an adult relationship with siblings recognizing that all of them were ‘innocent’ in their separation from each other. Some may also have been raised as only children and relish having siblings, or not. The bottom line is that they are siblings, half or full, who share at least one biological parent and a genetic link with each other. In my experience, birth children simply have not thought about their parents having relationships with other people before they met and created the family they know today. Personally, I have yet to meet a sibling who blames the child placed for adoption for having been born. 


I know that this has been a hard blog to read if you are a birth parent, it has been a hard blog to write as an adopted person. As you know, having read previous blogs, I have met my older half sibling that I was separated from due to adoption practices of the time. I met my birth father and his other children (my paternal half-siblings). My birth mother declined the opportunity to meet with my birth half-sister and I, but following her passing, we met her other children (my maternal half-siblings). My relationships with my birth father before he passed, and with my paternal and maternal birth siblings are nothing short of ‘normal’. We get together when we can, we joke and have fun with each other, we dine out together, just like ‘normal’ siblings might. Some of us are closer with each other than others, just like ‘normal’ siblings. We can provide each other with medical information, historical and ongoing, to keep each other healthy, just like ‘normal siblings’ might. 


As I said at the beginning of this blog, if you cannot bring yourself to put your name out there (where it is a legalized process) then please give your birth child the gift of information. Information that only their birth parent(s) can provide. Write a letter to update your birth child and find out where you can leave it for them. You likely chose an adoption plan to keep your birth child ‘safe’ or ‘better cared for’ because you truly did not feel that you could manage. They are adults now, but they still need you, in the form of medical history; yours, your family’s, and if possible, the birth father and his family’s information. Be there for them today in a way you could not in the past. Who knows, this might even bring you closure, and peace.


Thank you so much for visiting with me today. I honestly hope I have given you something to think about, and perhaps, even to take action. As always, feel free to comment here or send me an e-mail at [email protected]. To be notified of new blog posts, so you can stay up to date, please follow me on Goodreads. Simply go to: www.goodreads.com Lynn Deiulis’s Blogs, and start following.


‘See’ you next time.