Dear Teacher. . . Part I

​Dear Teacher Part I . . .

Hello my Blogville friends, so nice to see you again! If you are a first time reader, welcome! Today I am sipping a green tea as I write my thoughts in this back to school time of year. I hear the school busses on their runs, I see the groups of children and youth walking together, laughing at some shared joke. I also see students walking quietly on their own. These things made me think of children and youth who are adopted, living in kinship scenarios, or even in foster care. As I was returning to school each September, I remember the pressures school brought on me as a student. When I think of the explaining that children and youth living in adoption, kinship and foster families have to do, it is exhausting.  I thought I would share my thoughts with you, and together we may be able to give a new perspective to teachers, other school staff members, and parents. Thanks for joining me. 

I know that back to school is an overwhelming time, both exciting and terrifying at once for many. For children and youth who are living in a new family or for those who have already been adopted, it can be even more stressful. When students start school in the fall they are usually worriedly anticipating who their teacher(s) and their classmates will be. Often, usually based on experience, students are excited or nervous once they learn who the teacher(s) and classmates actually are. Students living in a new family are often also new to the community, and the school, so their anxiety is already up a notch on top of these normal worries. 

I always thought it was too bad that school boards do not offer a ‘new student’ parent/teacher event a day or two before school starts. It could offer new students, and their new parents/caregivers, an opportunity to meet the teacher and other administration staff, as well as seeing the inside of the school; The student could learn where their classroom is, and where to put their things when they get to school on the first day. Additionally, the parents/caregivers may need to know where the office is, where to park to pick up or drop off the student, and other such details that others may take for granted. I believe that this would benefit adoptive, kinship, and perhaps even foster families. They could call it, “New Family Orientation” or something like that. 

With older children in particular, school is often a consideration when placing them with their new families. If the child is in school and has been matched with a family in the spring, it is often beneficial for them to finish their school year where they are while building a relationship with their new family on weekends and perhaps evenings if possible. Of course this would only apply to planned placements where there is time to begin building a relationship, and when a student will be moving to a new school. Foster care and kinship placements often happen quite quickly and often unexpectedly, and this can mean initiating a mid-year school change as well.

Which leads me to point out that there are times when a student will be changing homes but not schools. This may happen more often when a student is in foster care, but sometimes in kinship placements as well. Please do not think that this will mean that there needs to be no explanation. In addition to focusing on what stays the same for the student, also focus on what will be different. Talk with the caregivers, and the student, about changes such as a new bus, or now being able to walk to school instead of taking a bus. Is the new caregiver familiar with the school? If not, this may leave both the school and the caregiver open to manipulation by the student. This will be even more critical if there are family oriented events planned such as report card day, or meet the teacher, or back to school barbecues coming up. There may need to be a more effective communication system in place than simply a note home delivered by the student. 

When a student has changed caregivers but not schools, talk with the student and the caregivers about the fact that fellow students will likely notice new people dropping off or picking up the student, as well as attending events. Ask the caregivers and the student if they have thought about this; clarify what the student calls the caregiver(s) and offer options for them when explaining this to their peers: (“I’m living with my aunt and uncle for a bit.”;”I’m staying with my grandparents right now.”; “Those are the people I’m staying with right now.”) A student can, and should, also be supported to say, “Actually my living situation is private.” If you have talked about managing options of what to say and everyone is on the same page, the student may not be rendered speechless when faced with questions and comments from other students (because we know they will be). Also, by being prepared they may avoid becoming angry or defensive in these types of interactions with other students. 

Further, as we know that children and youth are naturally curious, also work together with the student’s new caregivers to help the child or youth be prepared for questions like; ‘Are those your foster parents? ‘Where are your other parents?’ (perhaps referring to previous caregivers)’ Why did you move?’ ‘Did you get kicked out of your other family?’ Oh, and my favourite, ‘Where are your real parents?’ Please, do not think the child or youth will not be faced with the curiosity of their peers. Instead, help them be prepared to respond in a comfortable manner, so they are not caught off guard. It is important for the student to know that people are usually asking to understand and not necessarily to be mean; though, you will also have to prepare them for those peers as well. Again, encourage the child or youth to only share what they are comfortable with, and as often as necessary remind them they can say, “Actually my living situation is private.”

Personally, I think children are more adaptive and accepting of change if they have a reasonable explanation. Questions like; ‘Why is your skin a different colour than your parents?’ ‘How can you have two moms?’ ‘How can you have two dads?’ ‘Why is your mother so old?’ (referring to kinship typically) ‘Why do you talk funny?’ (referring to accents) are simply the curious nature of children, with some rare exceptions of course. I believe children usually drop the issue when given a ‘reasonable’ explanation’. As mentioned earlier, if you notice this is happening to a student, meet with the student and their parents/caregivers and discuss their comfort with responses such as; I am adopted. I live with my grandparents now. I was born in a different country. I learned a different language before I learned . . (current language), and even, those are my foster parents. Again, assist the student in finding responses they are comfortable with.

Most of the concerns I have mentioned typically occur for students on the first days, or within the first month or so in a new school. Once the child or youth has survived the first days of school, and a million questions, they can relax right? I wish. Though there have been significant improvements since I was a student, and even since I was employed by a school board, some things stay the same and run the risk of humiliating or traumatizing students who are living in kinship, adoptive, and even blended families. These often come in the form of school activities that focus on the student’s family. This will be explained in my next blog post; Dear Teacher Part II.

In the meantime, thank you for your continued support as you read my blogs. I write from the heart as I try to make a difference for families. As ever, please feel free to leave me a comment, your comments give me the encouragement to carry on. If you prefer a more personal comment forum, please send me an email at [email protected]

“See you” in two weeks for Dear Teacher, Part II