Lynn(e) Squared

Hi everyone, and welcome back to ‘Blogville’ which I affectionately think of as our little community where I write about stuff and you read it. Mostly I write about life as an adult adopted person but sometimes I just write about stuff.

Today I want to chat about my recent visit with my maternal biological half-sister. Primarily as a result of the adoption process, I live in Ontario and she lives in Alberta, so you can imagine that we do not see each other too often. We found out about each other and met about 35 years ago. When the Ontario government offered adult adopted people some access to their birth records I requested any information they could give me about my birth family. I remember my mom and I both being shocked to learn that my birth mother had given birth to a baby girl almost exactly three years before giving birth to me. My mom had been told that, three years before I was born, my birth mother had given birth to a baby boy who had been kept by my birth family. As it turned out, that information had been incorrect. All those years spent thinking boys were more valuable than girls driven by incorrect information given to my mom and passed on to me.

Anyway, many years ago now, my adoption disclosure worker excitedly informed me that I had a maternal birth half-sister who had also been adopted. The fact that we had both been adopted outside of our birth families allowed us to be given information about each other which eventually led to our first meeting around 1991. As she and I live far apart we have worked very hard maintain a long-distance sibling relationship. This little blog is about our visit a few weeks ago when my husband and I travelled to Alberta to visit with her.

I sometimes envy people I call the ‘huggers’. I mean I hug loved ones but I am not a ‘hugger.’
Neither is my sister (I’m going to stop referring to her as my half-sister at this point). So once I got out of the vehicle when we finally reached her home, we did the ‘expected hug’ just to get that out of the way. Don’t get me wrong, we were happy to see each other but not in a ‘throw our arms around each other’ kind of way, the way I’ve seen my birth 1/2 sisters comfortably greet each other. To manage this discomfort, we got down to the business of unpacking the vehicle and getting set up in her guest bedroom. 

Oh, yes, I forgot to mention the fact that we are both named a variation of the name Lynn. Ergo the title of this bog, Lynn(e) Squared. Our same name fiasco happened as a result of having been re-named by our adoptive parents. Our birth mother had not named either of us Lynn/Lynne. Some people think that it is kind of ‘neat’ or ‘fun’ or interesting that we both have the same first name. I think it is very sad that two sisters ended up with the same name. I mean it is easy for Lynne and I when getting each other’s attention by using our names but think of my poor husband. Essentially he just waited until he made eye contact with one or the other of us before he spoke. Our children and grandchildren are alright because they obviously call us ‘Aunt Lynne/Lynn’. But there is no denying the awkwardness of often being forced into sharing very personal information; the fact we were relinquished and adopted. 

Anyway, we were happy to see each other as it had been a few years in between our visits. As we visited and did the touristy stuff we started to relax again in each other’s company. Lynne is very athletic, and lets just say, I am not, so she planned most of our adventures accordingly. It was fun going to her grandson’s baseball game and I was able to chat with her son, my nephew, and get to know him a little bit more. As I was watching the game I realized that the boys playing ball were about the same age as Lynne’s sons had been when I met them originally. I felt a little pang as I realized how much she and I missed by only meeting when we were already married with children. We never got to participate in each other’s weddings or eagerly anticipate the birth of our nieces or nephews. Though I was grateful to be in their company at that moment, I felt sad at what each of us had lost. 
Also, as we visited I could see the impact that adoption trauma had on each of us. It was no neon sign or anything but it was clearly there. I saw how each of us compromised with people in a bit of a ‘people pleasing’ way and wondered if it was because of our early abandonment. I think my husband would agree that both of us have somewhat ‘controlling’ personalities but that we were able to find compromise. I believe that struggle for ‘control’ stems from us having had no say in our adoption, or in having been made available for adoption. We talked often about things we have in common as well as how we differ. Each of us have dealt with symptoms of adoption trauma but we are both grateful to have found each other and built a relationship. 

Being with Lynne, walking her beloved dog around her neighbourhood and bumping into people she knows, spending time with her in her community all helped me to ‘see’ my sister’s life. Just talking about our lives, our families and friends, society, politics, and pretty much any topic face to face always makes me feel closer to her. We are very different people and I often wonder if we would be so different if we had been raised together. Obviously this is a question that has no answer because of the fact we were raised separately, but it does sit there like an empty chair. In the few days we had together we laughed, and caught each other up on our lives like many adult siblings do when they are together; like ‘normal’ sisters do.

Thank you for joining me today in Blogville. As always please feel free to comment here or, more privately, send me an email at [email protected]. See you next time.