Marriage-Speak

​So I am risking writing this blog of my thoughts about communication in marriage, well actually really about any two adults in a committed relationship and communication. I mean, I’m no expert but this summer my husband and I will be celebrating our 46th wedding anniversary, so I think we did ok. You be the communication judge!

Even though we have been together for what seems like forever, I can still remember the early days of when we first met and began dating. We dated for about six months before he offered his marriage proposal and I accepted. We remained engaged for two years while my then fiancé attended post secondary education in a different community. Lots of letter writing and long phone calls. Following our wedding we felt so grown up, imagine, all grown up at 21 years old. I can still remember the many ways our relationship changed when we became parents for the first time two years later. As young parents, both of us continued on with post secondary education while facing the challenges that presented themselves, such as day care, and all the other trials of parenting. By the time of our fourth child was born, I can barely remember if we were even talking on a regular basis, let alone effectively communicating, but we must have been. Oh and all of this while we were living in pre-cell phone (ancient) times! Imagine, communicating without messaging or texting!

Further proof that we were communicating is evidenced by the fact that the kids all got to day care, and school, and any extra curricular activities like Brownies, guitar lessons, soccer matches and so forth. So, clearly one or both of us would have had to get them there, stay to watch as appropriate to the activity, and then get them home again. I sometimes regret not having a communication money jar. A jar that we could have put money in when we communicated well. I picture that jar up on a high, but visible, shelf in the kitchen. Sometimes I picture that it would have been full of money and other times I see it completely empty. Ok, that’s not true, I cannot really picture it completely empty, just some days when there could have been more money in the jar. So for example, if one of us was coming in the door just as the other was rushing out with one kid or another in some uniform or another and all the kids had granola bars and juice boxes in hand for their ‘dinner’ to scarf down in the vehicle, that would have been a good communication event! Cha-ching, money in the jar! We wouldn’t have been rich but the jar would have paid for a few things we could have enjoyed as a couple. Who am I kidding? That jar would have depleted itself for dues, or entry fees, gas, or even parking meters lol, but still. . .

If you are a parent, I think you are aware of what is termed, “Work/Life Balance”. I have personally fallen off of that balance bar a number of times. For example, I recall randomly booking an evening work appointment, causing my husband to have to pack the Brownie and her sister into a wagon and walk to the activity because I had taken the vehicle to work. Or, other times, arriving home late after work surprised to find my husband, the children, and the wagon missing. A sure sign that I must have forgotten that one of the kids had some type of activity! Communication failure, no money in the jar.

I’m not sure if this has ever happened in your relationship but there are also the ‘misunderstanding’ and ‘not listening’ or ‘half-listening’ communication events. Like when your partner is truly curious why you have chosen those shoes, or that outfit, because apparently you misunderstood the nature of the activity you were getting ready to attend. Or when your partner gives you details of something and less than an hour later you start asking for those same details. Or, that time when your child was sulking on the couch and you tripped over their baseball equipment that was in your way when you came in the door? You were late because you had brought home chicken sandwiches after hearing your partner talking about “fowls (fouls)” at breakfast and you wanted to show you were listening. So . . No money in the jar.

Think about tone with communications like, “Are you making that for dinner?” “Are you wearing that jacket?” “Your mother called.” Communication can be so ambiguous. I remember in grammar/elementary school the teacher gave us a communication example. The example used was for a discussion about the description; “A black man’s wallet.” This could potentially mean a wallet belonging to an African Canadian person, or it could mean that the wallet itself could be black in colour. Right? Tone and grammar are a slippery slope in relationships. So, I think you can see how phrases like, “Are you making that for dinner?”, “Is that what you’re wearing?”, “I’ve been waiting for you.” all show potential for communication failures. I feel that those same communication concerns are now further heightened by text messaging. Text messages cannot relay tone very well, ergo the use of emojis. I’m sure each of you can think of a text message misunderstanding between you and the person you had been texting. Am I right? I know I can think of too many personal examples!

Listening with full attention was always a challenge while we were raising our children. Heck, listening with full attention was a challenge even before we had children lol. I remember one time when my husband was still my boyfriend, he went on a family vacation that I thought was for a week. At the end of what felt like a really long week I started walking by his home to see if the car was back. Each subsequent day that the car wasn’t back I started imagining all kinds of bad things. I worried about car trouble, or worse, and then wondered who would even think to let me know if they were in trouble? One day I saw a man coming out of my boyfriend’s house so I asked him if everything was ok. He seemed confused and said everything was good with the house. When I teared up and said I meant is everything ok with the family he said as far as he knew they were fine and would be home on Sunday. Apparently it was a two week holiday! I was so relieved. Clearly, I had simply not listened well.
I honestly don’t know how we made it through some days, but we did. That is how I know you can make it too! I hope you didn’t miss anything thing your partner said, messaged, or texted while you were reading this Blog! Thanks for reading, I appreciate it. 

If you have any comments, you can leave them right here or send me an email at [email protected] Just make sure to ‘communicate’ them. See you in two weeks. Take great good care of yourself and each other!