The Court of Public Opinion

Hello everyone, welcome back to Blogville. I am sipping a Blood Orange herbal tea. How appropriate, since I’m sitting here thinking that blood is apparently thicker than water, or so says the Court of Public Opinion! Ready or not, here are my thoughts . . .

Personally, I was not aware of any ‘open’ adoptions when I was growing up. I knew there was a difference between ‘public’ and ‘private’ adoptions but that was the extent of my knowledge of ‘different’ adoptions. Without getting all technical, open adoptions are exactly as the title sounds. There is some openness, or contact, between a child or youth’s new family and their family of origin, or sometimes there is even contact with a former kinship or foster family. Again, without getting all technical, openness can range from update letters to phone contact to face to face visits, with many other options in between. Today, openness planning has so many facets and possibilities, however, when I was placed on adoption back in 1959, the rules were quite different. Openness was not typically entertained as an option when adoption was the plan; particularly in Children’s Aid Society adoptions compared to private adoptions. My parents were essentially told, ‘here is your daughter, raise her as your own and forget about where she came from’. I had no information about, or exposure to my biological family while I was growing up. I was emotionally and legally my adoptive parents’ daughter. Yet, people often referred to my birth parents as my “real” parents in the Court of public opinion.

I think that when other people judge me, or when I perceive that I am being judged, it is due to being part of a family created through adoption as well as my family and I having always been judged in the Court of public opinion. As a result, when other people think poorly of who I am, or of something I did, my ‘poor little orphan’ persona takes over emotionally. I believe that this empowers them and gives people a ‘right’ to judge me that I accept.
People who know me see a strong, capable, and confident person. But if they point out a flaw I immediately and emotionally default to having been adopted, not quite good enough to have been kept by my birth parents. It is uncanny how that drives my feelings and my need to do better. The little adopted girl inside of me often determines my reaction, or response. I think you would see me as defensive when confronted with the Court of public, or colleagues’ or my friends’ opinion of something I said, cooked, wore, an so on.

Other times I get defensive of my parents are when the person in front of me is judging them as ‘abnormal’ for not creating biological children. Calling them abnormal calls me abnormal by default, don’t people see that? All of these feelings happen in the seconds it takes me to respond to what someone has said or done. Being adopted does not define me, but it can often define how I take and respond to another person’s comments or questions. Sometimes, admittedly, it is not pretty.

At this point, you may be asking yourself, why do I care? Well firstly, I think everyone cares what people think. We even raise our children to care what people think as a kind of social control. Historically, the expectations of elders helped create social norms, based on their life experiences to promote acceptance, safety and control. I believe social norms are intended for things like preventing children from farting in public. After all, parents do not want other parents to think their children are being raised by wolves do they? Perhaps to replace the teachings of our elders, I think the court of public opinion replaced and still replaces their teachings so that people follow social norms as a matter of maintaining civilization. Keeping in mind that kinship was historically socially accepted, expected even, but adoption is not always considered a social norm is it?

I feel that adoption has always been judged in the Court of public opinion. Often adoptive families are considered heroes for taking in and parenting children born to other people. On the flip side, adoptive parents are also subjected to overhearing comments like, “aren’t they afraid of bad blood?”, “such a pity they cannot have children of their own”, or even, “I wonder which one of them is at fault?”  Historically, if no biological family was available to take in a child or children, then a community family took in and raised those orphaned children. These parents accepted full responsibility for the children in their care even though they were not related to them. Eventually these scenarios were legalized as adoption. Most of society simply felt that adoption was an extension of the practice of kinship, not some weird “how do you love another person’s child” thing. What my mom never understood, is how other people did not get it, or why they questioned the practice of adoption. She grew up in a society where people took care of children in need. I, was in need of a family and my mom and dad wanted children. To my mom, it was as simple as that.

When my parents adopted there was a combination of shame and desire. My parents heard about adoption in their church when a missionary spoke of the need of orphaned children. They knew kinship, had many family members raised with kin, but had never really thought of raising a child that was not ‘kin’ to them. My mother dealt with the shame by owning it, telling people (much to my embarrassment of course) how they could get pregnant easily but that she could not carry to term. She wanted society to know it was her fault, and that my dad was no less of a man. I wish I was kidding but late in her life I asked her why she always told people that, and she explained, ‘to protect your father’s reputation’. Wow. This was the woman the Court of Public Opinion judged so harshly. 

Personally, I do not think having intercourse in order to become a ‘real’ parent is anywhere near as challenging as having a home study completed, taking courses on parenting and child rearing, or putting your name forward for a child and being the subject of a selection committee who will decide if you can have that child. But then, I also believe that shooting out of a birth canal and being placed on someone’s stomach is no guarantee of being wanted either. I am living proof of that. However, when someone jumps all the hoops in order to adopt a child or children, I think it is generally accepted that they want them, don’t you agree? I accept that there are always exceptions to every rule, not all adoptions are arranged with pure intent, and not all adults should be responsible for raising children, whether through birth, kinship, or adoption. For some strange reason though, it just seems easier for people to judge adoptive families. 
In the Court of public opinion, the defence rests.

Thank all of you for continuing to read my thoughts. As I have said before, I write them down and ‘speak’ them out loud in the hopes of making a difference in the world of children and their families. If you have a comment that you are not comfortable sharing here in this public forum, please feel free to email me at [email protected] ‘See’ you next time.