They Get To Adopt

Hi and welcome back to Blogville my friends. Today is a Reishi Relax tea that I have steeped before tackling this difficult topic. Last time we talked about people’s reactions when people announce their intent to adopt. Now I’d like to talk a little about how you can, and should, be there for them. With respect, I may repeat some of the points of my last blog in order to stress the importance of support for these new families. These two blogs have been inspired by the fact that here in Ontario an Adoption Recruitment (and potential matching) event takes place in April annually. This is an opportunity for potential adoptive parents to be matched with children and youth who are in need of parents. So, those of you who may be friends with, or have relatives who have been matched with a child or youth to adopt as a result of this conference, please know that they will need you now more than ever.
This blog is directed specifically at folks whose friend or relative is adopting. If all goes as planned, they will become parents through adoption! They will experience fear and excitement about what their child will be like, what becoming parents will be like, and what raising their child will be like. Adopting ups the ante on an already difficult road, the road to becoming parents. What do they need from you? Truthfully, what they really need during the process is you: the supportive version; the excited version; the non-judgemental version; the encouraging version; the person they can trust to tell their fears to version; and sometimes, even the advisor version. Parenting is a difficult road already, adoption ups the ante. Support your friends or relatives when they hear all those negative adoption comments from other people. They need you! What does support look like on an adoption journey? Well, something like this:

In my experience, we still might host ‘baby showers’ for expectant parents, right? Yet, often adoptive parents welcome their child without such a tradition or fanfare. Why is that? Why do we expect that these new parents have everything they need to welcome their child? Despite the time involved in the application, training and home-study process, preparation for becoming parents to an actual child, youth, or sibling set is typically much less than nine months. They may be selected for, and about to parent a sibling set within weeks and suddenly find themselves in need of various supplies, equipment such as car seats, or even big items such as twin beds or bunk beds! Throw the darn shower for goodness sakes! Call it a welcome shower if they are expecting an older child! Ask the expectant grandparents what the expectant parents need, just like when a biological child is on the way. Be creative! 

If the expectant parent or parents will be parenting an older child it is very important to understand that they are still becoming new parents, (even if their child has some life experience already), and they will need support.
I cannot stress enough the importance of acknowledging that they will be parenting their ‘own’ child or children and will become their child/children’s ‘real’ parents. In my experience friends and family don’t dwell on the intimate details of how biological parents got their biological child/children so why dwell on on the adoption experience? It is time to simply focus on the new family and do whatever you can to support them.

It is important that you do not talk negatively about the journey they are about to travel. Trust me when I tell you that they have thought of all those things before deciding to go forward. Plus their adoption worker has already gone over even more about the risks than you can ever know. Talk support instead, tell them that even if this is all new to you, that you will be there for them. No one knows what the future holds for any child, no matter how they joined their family, so do not make and share any assumptions. Simply join this new family as a support. 

For goodness sakes, do not let your eyes bug out of your head when you hear they have been chosen for a 7 year old. Instead, recognize that they don’t just have 11 years with their new child; afterall, parenting lasts a lifetime! Acknowledging the fact that you believe they will be able to bond with their child without having given birth to them will be so meaningful. When they face challenges from having jumped into parenting an older child or siblIng set, be there, because they need you the most.

To me the bottom line is not how a child joined their family, but simply that they are now a family. In my experience, all families need supportive family members and friends. Being there and asking how you can help is the greatest gift you can give. 

As ever, if you would like to comment away from this public site, i encourage you to send me an email at [email protected]
Thank you for joining me in Blogville. See you next time.