What Can I Say?

Hello everyone, welcome back to Blogville. I’m so excited to have you visit again. Today I am drinking a tea called Gaba Guava as it is meant to boost focus. Let’s hope it works because, as you well know, I tend to wander all over the place in my blog posts. That’s ok, my husband has a tee-shirt that says, “Not all who wander, are lost!” Today’s blog is really directed towards adoptive parents. I am hoping to give them some insight, and perhaps a quick retort or two, into situations where people somehow feel free to speak their thoughts and opinions to adopting or adoptive parents. 


I have found that the general public starts the adoption process off on the wrong foot, usually by immediately sharing their opinion. I mean if a young couple (non-adoptive) mention that they are thinking about starting a family, I usually hear comment like, ‘that’s wonderful’, ‘children make life so much more interesting’, or even, ‘its about time’. I will admit there are exceptions to the rule, but one does not usually hear, “so, you are having sex’, or ‘you know you have to have intercourse to create a child’, or ‘I hope his sperm and your eggs are healthy’ or other such comments. Conception is mostly a personal issue people do not feel is theirs to discuss (yes, there are exceptions to every rule, I know.) It is like people forfeit their right to privacy when they announce that they are thinking of adopting. In fact, I am often surprised that adoptive parents even disclose that they are adoptive parents, or that they are seeking to become adoptive parents at all! In my experience adoptive parents are simply trying to share their pride or excitement but then they are often met with, well let’s just call them “uneducated” questions or comments. I just want to share a few of my thoughts, (look out) about how these, usually unsolicited, comments might be managed.


The first common statement that comes to mind is, “oh, so you can’t/couldn’t have children of your own?” I have commented on this in a number of my blogs as you know because that particular comment begs the question, ‘If not ours, whose children are they?’ To me, a great response by the parents might be, ‘Well actually, though they were/will not be born to us, they are/will be very much our own’. People who know me would expect me to facetiously add, ‘They even give us ownership papers’ (i.e. Final Adoption Order and/or amended birth certificates).


These same, considerate folks often follow up with, ‘Good for you, I could never accept a child that wasn’t born to me’. Ironically, there are people who do not accept children that were actually born to them, that is one of the reasons why adoption exists, or even potentially why some child abuse and child abandonment exist. Yes, I know these people actually mean they could never ‘raise’ a child not born to them, often without realizing that this means step-children as well! These are the comments adoptive applicants or adoptive families face too often. What should people say when they meet approved, excited adoptive applicants or when they meet adoptive parents? What can you say? How about simply “Congratulations!” Just like they do when they find out someone is pregnant or that someone has a new baby?


Oh, do not worry, I am aware of the folks that tell expectant parents the horror stories about their own pregnancies or childbirth experiences but I often find others nearby will caution them not to ‘scare’ the newly expecting or the new parents. Few people step up to stop folks from ‘scaring’ hopeful adoptive applicants or parents with a new child placed with them. If you overhear this type of thing, what can you say? How about saying, “I’m sure they will get (or have gotten) appropriate training about adopting. In fact, I understand that they learn more about parenting and child development than parents of biological children do!”


Another of my favourites, is the ‘bad blood’ thinking. This involves comments like “Really, aren’t you afraid there will be something genetically wrong with them?” I mean, there could be something genetically ‘wrong’ with anyone’s child right? Domestic adoptive parents are provided with a thorough Social and Medical History about the child and their birth family members. The information on these documents (including medical history) usually goes back two generations. When confronted with ‘bad blood’ thinkers, you might be tempted to say, ‘I hope, for your children’s sake, that insensitivity isn’t genetic.’ Instead, what can the new parents say? I think one acceptable response might be, “I know you will be (or were) lucky enough to able to interview your and your partners’ parents and grandparents regarding family health history and genetics before you decide(d) to have a birth child.”


One day I happened to be sitting on a bench at the mall waiting for one of my children who was shopping in one of the stores. I noticed a mom racing after a toddler who appeared to be of a different heritage than she. A lady blocked the toddler’s path so the mom could catch up and when she did the woman praised her for ‘saving that child’ through adoption. The young mom was spared having to respond when a man, obviously of the same heritage as the child, came out of the bookstore causing the toddler to squeal with delight and run toward him. Without comment or apology the offensive woman turned on her heel and walked away. The young mom looked over at me and rolled her eyes while I shrugged my own exasperation at what I had just witnessed, and the young family moved on down the mall. Conversely, I have actually overheard people who see families whom I know were created through international adoption say, “What? Weren’t there enough children in Canada available to adopt?” I mean, I want to recommend you retort ‘We were afraid a domestic child might be related to you.” But that would be almost as rude. What you can say instead might be something simple like, “I’m glad that now you are aware children around the world are in need of families.”


One of my favourites is what I call a “fishing” comment, like “What were their real parents like?” They often really want to know what kind of ‘bad blood’ your child might have running through their veins. I mean, I want you to say, “You’re looking at a ‘real’ parent, what do I seem like to you? Oh, wait, I guess you meant what were the birth parents like?” But I suppose that might be considered rude. I think what you can say is something like, “Well, I do know that their particular birth parents selflessly put the needs of their child before their own when they chose an adoption plan.” Or, “I do know that, true or false, the birth family must have felt an adoptive family could meet their child’s needs better than they could at that time.” Or you can even say, “I feel that the birth parents did not have the family, or even community, support necessary to safely raise their child.”


I can never seem to get over the concept of ‘real’ parents in adoption.I have been asked about my ‘real parents’. So many years later, I still hear people ask children about their ‘real parents’. Seriously? Don’t worry, your children see you as ‘real’ (defined as ‘actually existing, not imagined’). Your children know that, even if the people around them seem confused, you are their ‘real’ parents. Depending on their age and stage of development, they know that they have birth parents too, even if other people in society are not privy to that information. Families often look different, two-parent, single-parent, two parents of the same gender, blended families, multi-heritage families, biological children, step-children, children in kinship scenarios being raised by extended family. Phew, it can be a lot.

So, I respectfully suggest to you that, instead of guessing, you can say to children, “Tell me about your family.”


Thank you so much for stopping by and having a tea with me. I do love hearing your comments about what I write and if it impacts on you. Or just your thoughts. As ever, if you prefer a less public forum, please feel free to reach me at [email protected]
‘See’ you next time.