Words

Welcome back my Blogville friends. Today I am simply drinking a glass of water. I could not decide on a tea flavour as I am too preoccupied. I thank you for coming to ‘visit’ every couple of weeks to read my words. Today’s words are a jumble so I hope I can make some sense of this for you.

I think we can all agree that we have heard many expressions using the word “word”: I give you: ‘Words can hurt.’; ‘Empty words.’; ‘I give you my word.’; ‘Can we have a word?’; ‘In a word.’; and ‘Have the last word.’ These are just a few English expressions using the word “word”. Other considerations are whether one is using the written word or using spoken words, as well as the intent of the word user. This is where I am stuck today.

As you may or may not know, I have written a book (filled with words) that was illustrated by my birth half-sister, Krista. There were many words, both written and spoken, researched and random used in the process of writing that book. As the author, I was using my words to create a resource that might help families who are together as a result of the adoption or kinship processes. At the same time, Krista was illustrating characters to give life to my words. I think one of the most important outcomes of this book was in the creation of it; Krista and I using our words to get to know each other as half sisters while watching the book evolve. 

Each signed book that leaves my home office to travel into the hands of a family or a therapist to help inspire open communication between children and their caregivers is celebrated. Each time I make my way to the post office to ship one off, I feel honoured. I am honoured that I might be making a difference by helping children who cannot live with their birth parents talk about how that feels. It is hard to be the child who is not living in a nuclear family in the way society expects. I hope our book helps them to use their words to ask their questions about why that might have happened. I hope it helps children to understand and learn about their unique story; a story in which they are the star!

When the book was released, someone suggested that I start a Blog on my website. I was in my early sixties when the book was released, what did I know about Blogging? I have always loved writing. I have written many short stories and even wrote some little ‘books’ over my lifetime. I was always the ‘go to’ person to personalize cards, often even creating cards for people celebrating something special. I would draw and write cards for my immediate family as I was growing up but that is not at all what I understood blogging to be. But then someone said, Blogging is just writing about something you know about. Hmmmmm.

So, I started a blog. Well, I suppose if you are reading this you already know that. I don’t know how to explain this but my blogs kind of write themselves. I will just be sitting there minding my own business and suddenly have some weird thought. Or I may have been out and about and had an experience that I thought other people might relate to, or just enjoy reading about. Suddenly it is pen to paper with the idea (or keyboard to screen if I happen to be home) and usually the blog begins to write itself. Other times I sit before my screen and cannot think of one thing to write about that may be of interest to even one person. It’s a learning curve.

I also belong to a number of Facebook groups related to adoption. I started joining those groups to learn more about adoption and adopted people, like me. When I was an adoption worker and birth parent counsellor there were no groups like those; in fact there was no Facebook until late in my career. I had started a support group once that welcomed birth parents and adopted people. We were ahead of our time as people were just beginning to acknowledge the impact of adoption on all parties; the child, siblings; the birth parents; and the adoptive parents. 

At that time it was not really the act of adoption itself that people were dealing with, but the impact of the secrecy and the government’s refusal to allow information to be shared with the adopted people and birth parents even when the adopted person turned 18 years old. People were just starting to talk about their rights as adult adopted people.

But I digress, I was talking about starting a blog. I don’t just blog about adoption but it is mostly the theme. I read about the feelings, many good, and many bad on those Facebook groups for adopted people and I understand the need to talk among ourselves about the impact that having been adopted has on us. I know what you are thinking but they are not all bad, those impacts, for many they have been positive and that is acknowledged and celebrated too. What these groups offer is a place where people understand the need to share without judgment. I feel like I have a goal with my blogs. They are about my life as an adult adopted person in that I just want people to understand how the impact of the decisions made by others redirected my life.

I am using my words to help people understand the impact of adoption on people who were adopted; at least based on my own experience. I write the blog in the hopes that adopted people might read it and feel supported and understood. I write in the hopes that adoptive parents might read it and gain some insight into how being adopted affects one person, me, but also that their child might be feeling some of the same feelings but not know how to use their words to express their feelings.

I understand that there is fallout to publicly giving opinions on any topic, especially topics with significant emotions attached. I risk sharing my words about the impact the decisions of my birth parents made had on me and know that their family members may read it. Despite that, I believe people need to be aware of the impact. Family members and friends need to understand why someone may not want to celebrate their birthday (no it is not about their age); or why someone becomes uncomfortable with matters of providing genetic information (and having to explain themselves), even being afraid to date as it may be a blood relative.  

I feel that people may need to be more empathetic in understanding that many adult adopted persons take things very differently (like rejection; real or imagined) and may immediately revert to their feelings about having been relinquished. I regret any discomfort this may cause people but I cannot bring myself to stay quiet any longer. Having been adopted impacts on people, but everyone is different. 

Adoption can be a positive option and change the lives of millions of children. I just want folks to know that for many, no matter how positive their adoption was, it leaves a mark. To bring attention to this, I must use my words! 

This begs the question of whether I have the right to share my thoughts and feelings of the impact my birth parents’ actions have had on my life? After all, 
Sometimes my thoughts are about the parents of my half-siblings; the children they wanted, kept and raised. Parents their kept children saw in a different light. 

One of my birth sisters wisely advises, “If the blogs bother you, don’t read them!”

Hearing that other people might be upset by my words made me wonder if I should stop blogging. Do you think I should?

I’m open to hearing your thoughts on this issue. You can leave your thoughts here in the comments, or you can send me an email at [email protected]
Thank you for reading my words.