Surrender

Welcome back to Blogville my friends. It is always wonderful to ‘see’ you. Welcome to any new friends that might be dropping by today. As I write this blog my tea is a berry flavoured one because I am seeing red right now. Trigger alert: infant abandonment (and ignorant people).

I literally was relaxing on a long weekend get away and scrolling through Facebook. I came upon a story about a new “infant surrender site” being opened here in Ontario. 

As you can imagine, I was feeling all the overwhelming emotions when thinking about a baby being placed in a bassinet by the person who is supposed to love them the most in the world. My imagination went to the last sounds of its mother that the infant might hear: rustling of paper as she picks up the package of support and rights pamphlets as well as forms, ie medical history (to complete and mail later); the rhythmic sound of her retreating footsteps; the echo of a door closing; and maybe, the sound of muffled sobs. Whether they remember it or not, this infant will know what abandonment sounds like.

So, I was busy feeling all the feels and empathizing as a now grown up version of a baby who was also abandoned following my birth; with the final sights and sounds of my own birth mother buried deeply and irretrievably somewhere in my psyche. Then, I started reading some of the comments and my despair turned to disgust, even anger. 

Following the article there were comments such as, “can I drop off my husband?” “…a drop off for kids people don’t want..like a pair of shoes..” “What do the firefighters do with the infants? Feed them to the Dalmatians?” “I’ll take one. Drop one off here.” “Why have a kid just to toss it in a box?”

These comments took my breath away. These are unwanted and abandoned babies we are talking about! Or perhaps wanted, but unable to keep, babies! The very idea that we need a ‘drop box’ for human babies should make one stop and think about the lack of resources in this country for birth parents and infants, not inspire smart-ass remarks. Everyone in this scenario is a vulnerable person and those remarks minimize their trauma. (Obviously triggering mine.)

The other triggering thing for me is the fact that I grew up with my government’s thumb on my identifying information. Birth fact information, personal medical history, birth family medical history, and my story between my birth (including details of my birth) and my placement for adoption all hidden from me by the non-disclosure rules of my own government. I was in my twenties and pregnant when I asked for at least some medical history. In response, the government threw me a bone, a skeleton of my birth family history. As laws changed throughout my life, more and more tidbits came my way but I was in my 60s before the government released my full file (still vetted of course) to me. I’m hoping this is why a medical form is provided in the bassinet.

I was triggered by the idea of an information package provided to the birth mother in trade for her infant. At the drop off there is a medical form in the bassinet for the birth mother to complete and return and she is even provided postage. In my mind, picturing a woman reaching into a bassinet, picking a form package, and placing her newborn in its place makes it feel like a sad and painful trade.  

The Facebook article stated, “The package has a medical form for the baby’s history and an addressed pre-paid envelope. The parent will also receive information about the local support available to them, how the process works and their rights if they change their mind.” I was relieved to read that she would have futher information about finding support for her decision, a decision that will last two lifetimes.

I sincerely hope the form seeks medical information on more than just the pregnancy and birth/life of a person only hours, weeks or months old. An infant’s birth history exclusively will not help adoptive parents watch for symptoms of FASD and/or the effects of other substance abuse during pregnancy nor to be aware of any potentially inheritable conditions or illnesses. So I hope that form includes questions about the birth mother and other birth family members’ medical histories as well. Then I worried: What if she never completes the form and mails it in? What if she cannot read/write? How does this form help her birth child then? Personally I think adding a confidential phone number might be helpful in this information package. 

I also hope the process includes requesting the infant’s date and time of birth before their birth mothers leave them at the “infant drop off”. Shouldn’t every child know their true date of birth? Perhaps the coordinators can, or already do, leave a small note pad in the bassinet with prompts for the birth mother to write her infant’s date of birth and leave a message for the baby. “What can she possibly write?” you are probably thinking. “Anything.” is my answer. 

As an attempt to prevent to abandonment of newborns in dumpsters, public washrooms, etc. an organization called Gems for Gems is responsible for creating the Hope’s Cradle program and they team up with fire departments to offer a safer option for desperate birth mothers. You can read more about Hope’s Cradle here www.gemsforgems.com
However, if you are a smart ass who thinks trying to save a human life is funny, please do not visit that site.

Other countries offer safe sites for birth mothers to anonymously surrender their infants and their parental rights. This act preserves the confidentiality of the birth mother while offering the opportunity for that infant to be adopted. This is likely a life-saving program that Canada is starting to participate in. I’m just saddened that it is needed.

Recognizing that it was probably difficult for my birth mother to have attended a ‘home for unwed mothers’ during her pregnancy with me, I do wonder if she would have simply used a less inconvenient option for my relinquishment instead had one been available. If so, would I ever have the incredible opportunity to find and meet my birth father or any or all of my paternal and maternal birth half-siblings as I was lucky enough to do? 

This was a tough one, thank you for stopping by to join me for a tea in Blogville. As ever, your comments are welcome here where others may see and benefit from them, or you can email them to me privately at [email protected]