Hi everyone, welcome back to Blogville. I am sipping on a wild raspberry hibiscus herbal tea as I write to you. I really did not know what flavour to choose today for our visit. Something sweet and flavourful because I want to reach out to adoptive parents and talk about fantasy versus reality in the hopes of encouraging that they can talk with their children about it too.

As I’m sure you are aware, your children and youth think about their birth parents. What you might not know is that only rarely are they comparing you with their idea of what their birth parents might be like. In case you had not noticed, if they take place at all, these comparisons tend to occur when you have disagreed with your child or youth, given them a consequence, or otherwise put some kind of expectations on them. After all, their birth parents would never be so ‘mean’.

In your child or youth’s mind, their birth parents would let them have a tattoo, or let them stay the weekend with friends, or give them a bigger allowance, or whatever the current issue is. That being said, I appreciate how hard it is not to state what their birth parents did not do, that is . . .stick around to parent them. This is where self-control comes in, I mean yours of course, not your child’s. 

The closest other scenario I can think of involves step-parents. I have noted that even when children cannot stand them, those same step-parents sure come in handy to throw in their biological parents’ faces. I mean, they might not have any idea how their absent biological parents might handle a scenario but somehow they know they would handle it better than their step-parent, and they tell them so. Even when children or youth are living with both biological parents, their friends’ parents usually serve as great models with whom they can compare their parents to at any moment (i.e. “Rebecca’s mother said she can go!”). The bottom line here is that the child or youth that you are parenting is stuck with you, your rules, your expectations, and your parenting style, no matter how you came to be their parent. Adoptive parents just somehow seem to be easier targets at times.

I think the greatest hurt occurs when adopted children are comparing their adoptive parents’ behaviour to their birth parents’ imagined behaviour. How do parents compete with that? I think adoptive parents must have to bite their tongues a lot in order to avoid saying negative things about their child’s birth parents, don’t you? I remember wanting to shout at my mom about how much better and more fair my birth mother probably was but then I stopped myself. I was both hopeful and afraid that my mom might tell me to go live with her. There were exactly twelve steps to stomp on as I made my way upstairs to my room. I can still feel the shake of my childhood bed as I threw myself down on it in anger. I remember thinking that my parents were jerks and being unfair and fantasizing that my birth mother would be flawlessly amazing. I was sure of it. I imagined my tall, slender, and beautiful birth mother entering my room, putting her hand on my shoulder and telling me that she would never treat me like that, and further, that if I lived with her, I could do whatever I wanted. My inner child was both shocked and disappointed when I later met her adult children and they informed me that she was pretty much just a normal, sometimes even irritating parent, the way most parents are. No wonder my mother never said a word. . . she must have known in her heart that no matter what, parents parent in what they believe is the best interest of their children, despite their children’s reactions.

In my mind, as I was being raised, I could do better; just as I believe many adopted children also felt. I have heard biological kids wishing that their friend’s mom was their own mom, or that their gym teacher was their dad, or in general that their parents were not their parents. For an adopted person, there is some confusion about this thinking, often making it hard to understand birth children’s ‘fantasy parent’ thoughts. After all, in our reality, our birth parent(s) actually believed that someone else could do a better job parenting them than they could, or wanted to, and they gave away their parental rights to us. Therefore, hearing their friend’s wishes/fantasies about changing parents can be confusing to adopted people who often know nothing more about their biological parents than the fact that they left them. This makes it hard to understand why someone would even consider replacing the parents who wanted and kept them.

As you are likely aware, I am also confused by the ‘real parent’ thinking in our society. I mean most of us know that society has it wrong, the adoptive parents are the ‘real’ parents and the biological parents are exactly that, the biological or birth parents. No more, no less. Birth parents may be responsible for the child being on this planet, but their adoptive parents are responsible for helping the child learn to contribute positively to society and care for, or at least about, the people they share this planet with. Always having to explain/defend the fact that your real parents are the ones who took responsibility for you, not the ones who biologically created you, can be tough.

It is also easier to accept the idea that the birth parents could not cope with parenthood at the time the child was born, and that everyone had agreed that the child would be better off with their adoptive parents. After all, if this was not the case, there must have been something wrong with the child for them to have been rejected and available for adoption right? Despite being told that her parents had made my birth mother place me on adoption, I have always tried to cope with feeling that it was something I did as a newborn to make her walk away from that home for unwed mothers, leaving me behind, and never looking back. 

Let’s talk a minute about open adoptions; where there is ongoing contact between the adopted person and members of their birth family. The birth parent, or even a grandparent wants to know how the child is doing while the adoptive parent is actually parenting of the child. The adoptive parents’ parenting responsibility does not change in an open adoption even where a birth parent is able to send gifts, write letters, or even have visits while the child is still a minor. The adoptive parents may have to put boundaries around gift giving (don’t send a horse, we live in a condo) but openness can be good when it makes sense for the child. The adoptive parents may have to pick up the emotional pieces after a visit between birth parents and their birth children but I believe the child may feel less rejected when they have openness with a member or members of their birth family. As I did not have openness, this is purely speculation. However, openness may be a topic for another blog, so I will leave that topic here.

My birth mother was a great mother to the children she was later able to have and raise once she was settled down and in a stable relationship. Her relinquishment decision following my birth allowed me to have loving parents. She gave me the gift of parents who were already settled down in their stable relationship and ready to be parents. But oh, how growing up with such a loss allowed me to fantasize. In my child’s mind my birth mother was perfect when my parents were imperfect, she was kind when I thought they were being mean, reasonable when compared to my unreasonable parents. Only as an adult did I finally realize the truth that my parents accepted me, loved me, and lived with me while trying to raise their daughter to be a good person. All this, despite my not having been born to them, sorry for your loss birth mother.

My dear adoptive parents, you cannot stop your child from thinking about and comparing you to their fantasy birth parents, any more than you can stop fantasizing about what your birth child might have been like. All you can do is put all the fantasy and reality in the adoption process into perspective and live your best lives. 

Thank you for continuing to read my thoughts my Blogville friends. I do love hearing from you whether on here, or via my email, [email protected] 
Until next time.

Hi and welcome back to Blogville my friends. Today is a Reishi Relax tea that I have steeped before tackling this difficult topic. Last time we talked about people’s reactions when people announce their intent to adopt. Now I’d like to talk a little about how you can, and should, be there for them. With respect, I may repeat some of the points of my last blog in order to stress the importance of support for these new families. These two blogs have been inspired by the fact that here in Ontario an Adoption Recruitment (and potential matching) event takes place in April annually. This is an opportunity for potential adoptive parents to be matched with children and youth who are in need of parents. So, those of you who may be friends with, or have relatives who have been matched with a child or youth to adopt as a result of this conference, please know that they will need you now more than ever.
This blog is directed specifically at folks whose friend or relative is adopting. If all goes as planned, they will become parents through adoption! They will experience fear and excitement about what their child will be like, what becoming parents will be like, and what raising their child will be like. Adopting ups the ante on an already difficult road, the road to becoming parents. What do they need from you? Truthfully, what they really need during the process is you: the supportive version; the excited version; the non-judgemental version; the encouraging version; the person they can trust to tell their fears to version; and sometimes, even the advisor version. Parenting is a difficult road already, adoption ups the ante. Support your friends or relatives when they hear all those negative adoption comments from other people. They need you! What does support look like on an adoption journey? Well, something like this:

In my experience, we still might host ‘baby showers’ for expectant parents, right? Yet, often adoptive parents welcome their child without such a tradition or fanfare. Why is that? Why do we expect that these new parents have everything they need to welcome their child? Despite the time involved in the application, training and home-study process, preparation for becoming parents to an actual child, youth, or sibling set is typically much less than nine months. They may be selected for, and about to parent a sibling set within weeks and suddenly find themselves in need of various supplies, equipment such as car seats, or even big items such as twin beds or bunk beds! Throw the darn shower for goodness sakes! Call it a welcome shower if they are expecting an older child! Ask the expectant grandparents what the expectant parents need, just like when a biological child is on the way. Be creative! 

If the expectant parent or parents will be parenting an older child it is very important to understand that they are still becoming new parents, (even if their child has some life experience already), and they will need support.
I cannot stress enough the importance of acknowledging that they will be parenting their ‘own’ child or children and will become their child/children’s ‘real’ parents. In my experience friends and family don’t dwell on the intimate details of how biological parents got their biological child/children so why dwell on on the adoption experience? It is time to simply focus on the new family and do whatever you can to support them.

It is important that you do not talk negatively about the journey they are about to travel. Trust me when I tell you that they have thought of all those things before deciding to go forward. Plus their adoption worker has already gone over even more about the risks than you can ever know. Talk support instead, tell them that even if this is all new to you, that you will be there for them. No one knows what the future holds for any child, no matter how they joined their family, so do not make and share any assumptions. Simply join this new family as a support. 

For goodness sakes, do not let your eyes bug out of your head when you hear they have been chosen for a 7 year old. Instead, recognize that they don’t just have 11 years with their new child; afterall, parenting lasts a lifetime! Acknowledging the fact that you believe they will be able to bond with their child without having given birth to them will be so meaningful. When they face challenges from having jumped into parenting an older child or siblIng set, be there, because they need you the most.

To me the bottom line is not how a child joined their family, but simply that they are now a family. In my experience, all families need supportive family members and friends. Being there and asking how you can help is the greatest gift you can give. 

As ever, if you would like to comment away from this public site, i encourage you to send me an email at [email protected]
Thank you for joining me in Blogville. See you next time.

Good day! Welcome back to Blogville, I’m so honoured and happy you are continuing to read my thoughts and hope that they are meaningful to you and making a difference in how you view adoption, kinship, and even foster care issues. I also hope you have a cup of tea beside you. I certainly do, it is a long one today. 

If you follow my blog posts, you know by now that random thoughts are with me almost all of the time. Today’s random thoughts seemed centred on the things people say to people who plan to adopt. Maybe it is the upcoming Adoption Resource Exchange in Toronto that is at the heart of this blog. Maybe it is about about some things people wishing to adopt  brought forward when I was an adoption worker. I thought it might be good to focus today’s blog on this. Let’s see how it goes.

People hoping to adopt often shared that when they announced they were applying to adopt, friends and family would often ask them, ‘Aren’t you afraid of bad blood?’ I mean, what exactly does that mean? If they were afraid of actual physical concerns with people’s blood based on geographic location or donors’ reputations, maybe they would only hold blood drives in neighbourhoods where they can find ‘good blood’, right? They would not hold them in just any old neighbourhood now would they? Oh wait a second, I just looked up Red Cross blood donation appeals. They say things like, “Donating blood is essential.” and “Donate Blood, Save a Life.” I did not read anywhere that, “Donating good blood is essential” I also read that blood drives take place in all kinds of neighbourhoods, not just ‘good neighbourhoods’. Nope, it would appear that no matter who they are, or where birth parents live, they just have regular blood, no ‘bad blood.’ Ok, I am being facetious (btw facetious means treating serious issues with deliberately inappropriate humour) but we have all heard the term ‘bad blood’ when it comes to people adopting. 

I find it hard to wrap my head around the idea that an innocent newborn could somehow be filled with ‘bad blood’ and that their blood would later determine the type of person they may become. So at this point, I am guessing that they mean an adopted baby somehow inherits a propensity for ‘bad behaviour’ from their birth parents, not that the baby might have actual ‘bad blood’ coursing through their veins. I think if we look into prison systems we will not see cells filled only with inmates who were adopted as infants or children will we? I believe we should be over this type thinking by now, don’t you? “Bad blood”. . . seriously. Sigh.
In my experience, when people announce their intention to adopt to friends and family, they are also met with other not-so-supportive comments like: ‘Parenthood is not what it is cracked up to be.” “Are you kidding? I envy your freedom!” or “You can take my kids anytime.”
I have a question for people who think that they are being supportive with these comments. If your friend or family member was missing an arm, and they told you they were considering getting an artificial arm, what would you say to them? Would you say things like: ‘Having two arms is not what it is cracked up to be!’ Or, ‘Are you kidding? I envy your disabled parking permit.’ Of course you wouldn’t. But for some reason, people who are parents often respond poorly to an adoptive hopeful’s announcement of their intent to adopt. Perhaps instead, you might consider saying, “Really? How can I help?”

I am a parent, I know what many of the parenting challenges are, I know the frustrations. These are all a part of parenting, right? Remember when you were expecting your first child? Remember how you looked around at all those other parents who were doing all the things you would never do? How they left their babies with grandparents while they went out? ‘Who does that?’ you wondered. You thought about how you would bring your precious child with you everywhere. You looked at those exhausted, often unkempt, parents and secretly thought, ‘I will never let myself go like that.’ Ha! Admit it, you remember your fantasies about what being a parent would be like for you. Well, when someone tells you that they are thinking of adopting, support the dream! They need your support, now more than ever! If you thought morning sickness and weight gain were challenging, try applying to adopt!

When you have a biological child, your intimate life becomes somewhat apparent to others; I mean we all know the biology of how babies are created. When you apply to adopt, you often have to explain your intimate relations to another person, usually a complete stranger, as part of the application process. If you are a couple applying to adopt, you have to explain it separately and then hope how you explained things matches what your partner says to your home study practitioner. When you are applying to adopt, the process must feel like people are holding you up by your ankles and shaking you until the truth falls out. 

Adoptive applicants have to take an actual parenting/adoption course, then there are financial forms, questionnaires, criminal reference checks, home inspections, interviews, and the list goes on. There is also a need for them to provide names of references, people who can speak to how the applicant gets along with others, how they interact with children, and a variety of other issues. So, when someone asks you to be a reference, you should feel honoured by their request. They are asking for your support and for you to be one of their application ambassadors. It really is a privilege. So, if you aren’t supportive initially or it doesn’t feel like you are taking this huge announcement seriously, they may not feel comfortable asking you to speak as a reference for them. That would be a loss for everyone. I mean, how often can you help someone you care about become a parent?? Oh, and, when they become parents, obviously you are also automatically signed up to take care of the child/children in future when the parent(s) is/are ready for a night out.

Other things that fall into the ‘think before you speak’ realm include statements/questions like:

‘How will you feel if they want to meet their real parents?’ (FYI your friend/relative will actually be the real parent, though not the biological parent.)

‘What about medical conditions, aren’t you worried about that?’ (Note: Birth children do not come with a written medical history, while adopted children usually do, so who is really at a disadvantage here?)

‘What will you tell them about being adopted?’ (Um, that they were adopted, that they have birth relatives whom they might be able to meet some day. Oh, and they will tell them their adoption story, just like you tell your child/children their birth story.)

‘If they have openness, are they really fully yours?’ (If you think about it, there are many people connected with your birth child too through your extended family members. A child who is adopted simply has a right to have connections with extended family members in their life too.)

‘Don’t you want to try to have your ‘own’ first? Have you tried IVF or other interventions to have a child ‘naturally’?’ (When you told people you were trying to start a family, did they ask how often you were having intercourse? No? Hmmmm, I won’t even address using the words ‘own’ or ‘naturally’, I have other blogs that deal with that.

I know you mean well and are trying to be supportive of your relative or friend by trying to ensure they have explored every option before considering the adoption process. However, you also need to know that when someone tells you that they are considering adoption, they are taking a risk on you. They may be sharing that they are infertile, or perhaps that they simply prefer not to get pregnant and give birth. They might be sharing that they want to make a difference for a child or children who find themselves available for adoption, here or in another country. There are more reasons for people choosing to adopt than there is space in this blog to list them all. 

What your friend or relative wants from you is support before and during their upcoming journey: someone to confide in when the journey is hard; someone to ask them about their journey and be ready to hear what they would like to share about it; someone to speak for them as a reference perhaps; someone to agree to be a legal guardian in the event that would be necessary; someone to get excited (rather than judgemental) about the journey they are about to travel. They simply want someone to listen, to offer encouragement, to help them navigate their feelings of grief, loss, excitement, fear, anticipation, disappointment, etc. and to be there. Just like the number of reasons for people to choose adoption, types of feelings about adoption are also too many to list in one humble blog post.

So, your friend or relative is adopting. If all goes as planned, they will become parents through adoption! They will be parenting their ‘own’ children and will become their children’s ‘real’ parents. They will experience fear and excitement about what their child will be like, what becoming parents will be like, what raising their child will be like. They may even have moments of regret about choosing to become parents; you know, like ‘regular’ parents often do. But what they really need during the process is you: the supportive version; the excited version; the non-judgemental version; the encouraging version; the person they will trust to tell their fears to version; the advisor version. You are the friend or family member whom they are choosing to travel this journey with. It is your honour to be asked, and it is your responsibility to support, no matter how hard or how often they need you. Parenthood is a difficult road already, adoption ups the ante. Support your friends or relatives when they hear all those negative adoption comments from other people, they need you! For goodness sakes, they deserve a ‘baby shower’ too. But I will talk about that, and adopting older children/youth, in my next blog. 

Thank you for your ongoing support and for continuing to read and comment on my blog posts (whether you agree with my thoughts or not). As always, if you prefer a more private way to comment, please feel free to email me at [email protected]
(By the way, if you are able, please consider donating blood. It truly is needed in your community.) 

Hello everyone, welcome back to Blogville. It is so nice to see you again and for those of you who are new to my blogs, welcome. Today I am sipping on an organic tea called Warm Sun that a dear friend sent to me recently. She was travelling in Western Canada and saw this tea that she thought I might like to try. I do not know if it is because I am an adult adopted person that I feel so surprised, and honoured, that someone is thinking of me when we are apart and they don’t have to. Thank you for thinking of me my friend.

I also believe that having been adopted, I see things differently. For example, when our youngest grandchild turned 9 months old, it made me reflect on the fact that I was 9 months old when my parents met me; when I became their daughter. He is not my first grandchild, in fact he is our sixth, but for some reason his 9 month milestone hit a chord in my heart.

Since we don’t live in the same community I would sometimes video chat a little story time with him. I love getting to see him grow and develop between our in-person visits even if it’s only on a ‘screen’. Partly as a result of these chats, my grandson knows who I am, he hears my voice and recognizes my image. He sees my image on screen and reacts; I clap, he claps, I smile, he smiles, he belly laughs and my heart just melts as I laugh along. At 9 months old he recognized me. Even though we live hundreds of kilometres apart he knew who I was, and that we are important to each other.

Seeing my grandson’s secure attachment made me reflect on my placement into my adoptive parents’ care at about the same age as he was. We all know there is a 9 month gestation period for the development of a human being, and then the first 9 months of life outside of the womb are dedicated to the development of a secure attachment. I did not have that in my first 9 months. Following my birth, I had an extended hospital stay (for housing needs not medical ones) as a newborn waiting for a child welfare worker to come pick me up and return me to my home community. These first weeks were then followed by three foster care placements before I was 9 months old. That’s a lot.  

I was lucky that my third, and final foster parents and their children, loved and cared for me while I was with them. I’m sure I must have been forming an attachment with them. I can almost see it in the few pictures I now have of my short time in their family. As was done in those days, in a sudden and bittersweet moment, I was matched with my adoptive family and removed from my foster home without thought to trying to transfer that attachment. Another sudden and likely unexpected move in my developing brain; now you see them, bam, now you don’t! Not a good experience in developing attachment as I’m sure you will agree. 

There is an old 8 mm film recording of the day that I arrived at my parents’ home to be placed on adoption with them. My mother had given the film to me on one of her ‘spring clean-up’ days years ago as she no longer had the projector it needed. I did not have any way to see it either so I simply tucked it away. Years later my brother transferred the old film onto a new format for me so I could finally watch it. The film starts with a flickering image of a smiling worker carrying a tiny white-blonde haired baby girl down the outside cement steps  and across the sidewalk to meet her new family . . .

One sign of the age of the film are the blinding lights that were part of the technology back then. So throughout, there is a whole lot of squinting going on, often making my expressions hard to see. Somehow though, while watching my own image, I can sense what I was feeling. 

Appearing in the film are the worker who was dropping me off, the other foster child she was transporting, my new parents and brother, as well as other women in the background, oh, and a random tiny little infant that I will talk about later. Clearly my arrival was cause for a celebration as there were so many people in the house, including the person filming the event. If I’m not mistaken, my parents’ friends would have come over as a supportive gesture. As I watched the film, I noted that were likely too many women present for me to figure out who my new mother was. My dad was the only man in sight so it may have been obvious to me who my new father was. I also think it must have been confusing when my worker and the other child travelling with me simply left. I am certain I would have been searching for their faces among the people remaining.

9 month old me, the star of the production, honestly just looks lost, confused, and uncomfortable. Today, I recognize that 9 month old me was likely traumatized. I watch myself staring into the faces of the people holding me or sitting near me. I feel that I was looking for some sign of familiarity, holding an uncomfortable smile on my face. You know that look, the one you get when you plop a smiling little one on Santa’s lap at the mall. First they are all giggles, until they look up, staring blankly with a frozen smile, trying to figure out who this is, then suddenly bursting into tears from a lack of recognition. 

In the film, while my new mother spoon feeds me lunch, I stare into her face as if trying to place her, or maybe even trying to understand why my foster mother is not there to feed me. I can be seen looking somewhat longingly over at the worker who is feeding my little carpool partner, after all they were the only two people in the room that were familiar to me. I also noticed that while I opened my mouth automatically to accept the spoon, and later the bottle, from my new mother, I never seemed to take my eyes off of her face. Perhaps I was ‘filial imprinting’ in case I lost this mother too. Seeing this on film hits me right in the ‘feels’, every time.

There are at least two spots in the film where my parents are holding someone else’s baby (maybe to show me, or perhaps the worker, that they knew how to do it?) and showing the baby to me, even placing that baby on my little lap at one point. I feel that if my son and daughter-in-law were to be holding an infant when he was 9 months old, my grandson would have been trying to pull that baby off of them, or at least try to move the baby so he could fit on their laps too. 9 month olds with secure attachment are territorial like that. Honestly my confused expression is only overshadowed by my complete, and obvious disinterest in that baby. Unlike my grandson, by 9 months old I was likely used to my caregivers sharing their attention with other children and so I appear unfazed.

My brother, who had been placed for adoption with our parents at 2 1/2 years old had only been with them less than a year, and was likely just getting settled when I showed up. His disdain for me is apparent in the film. Frankly, he seemed more interested and comfortable hugging the family dog than hugging me as repeatedly directed. It was a small consolation when I saw that he too had to hold that mystery infant; his indifference apparent. That poor little boy was like an actor auditioning on a film set with the directors telling him to hug me, to kiss my little cheek, and to accept this little intruder as his sister. He did not appear impressed. However, even though it was not a great audition, we were still given the role of siblings.

When I look at this film it upsets me to see how many people were there on the day I met my new family. I wonder how I even knew which of these people belonged to me? Especially once the worker left. If I had hurt myself, which person would I have shown my distress to and sought comfort from? I’ll even bet I felt abandoned when the worker and the other foster child left me behind in a house full of strangers. After all, they had been my only familiarity in that house. I often wonder how that other little girl, my carpool partner, felt when she was subsequently dropped off at her new placement, did she miss the worker and me too?

There is one spot in the film showing me jumping in a crib looking gleefully at my image in a mirror; reaching out and trying to touch the only image I recognized in my new environment! Another spot in the film finds me on the couch squinting and rocking myself; likely a self-soothing behaviour. Anyone outside of the adoption constellation who looks at this film might see a joyous occasion and celebration of a young child joining her new family. They would see a new family supported by workers, family members, and friends. What they would not see is the trauma, after all, how could there be trauma at such a happy event?

As I write and edit this blog I feel many things, grief for the way I was introduced to my family, and pride that as an adoption worker, I tried to do things better. There is always room for improvement but generally speaking adoption workers now try to mitigate the confusion of moving from one family to another. Pictures and videos are sometimes exchanged before the parties meet. There are pre-placement visits between the foster home and the adoptive home before the big move. Visit calendars are created and information is provided (likes and dislikes, favourite foods, things like that) so that the receiving family is somewhat prepared. Thankfully, foster parents now play a huge role before a baby, child or youth is even introduced to their new family, as well after they are moved. 

I mention these things to give prospective adoptive parents an idea of what types of pre-placement activities they should expect, or even request if necessary, to help that baby, child or youth transition to their family. I believe that, to mitigate some of the trauma of changing families, contact with previous caregivers should be eased off, not cut off like the umbilical cord, no matter how challenging it might be for the adults. A huge bonus is when contact continues through openness. 

Speaking of openness, I remember when I finally met my last foster mother (I was in my 60s and she in her 80s) and she talked about her grief at having me ‘just gone’, no further contact, never knowing if I was okay. It felt good to have mattered but sad that she was not allowed to meet and keep in touch with my new parents. She never got to tell my new parents my likes and dislikes, or my usual routine so that I could be comforted. All those years, she worried about me while I wondered who she was and if she missed me. I cannot express what it meant to me to know that I mattered to someone before I was 9 months old.

If this blog has struck a chord with you, pun intended, feel free to leave a comment here, or email me at [email protected] Thanks for visiting and having tea with me in Blogville.

Hello everyone, welcome back to Blogville. I am sipping a Blood Orange herbal tea. How appropriate, since I’m sitting here thinking that blood is apparently thicker than water, or so says the Court of Public Opinion! Ready or not, here are my thoughts . . .

Personally, I was not aware of any ‘open’ adoptions when I was growing up. I knew there was a difference between ‘public’ and ‘private’ adoptions but that was the extent of my knowledge of ‘different’ adoptions. Without getting all technical, open adoptions are exactly as the title sounds. There is some openness, or contact, between a child or youth’s new family and their family of origin, or sometimes there is even contact with a former kinship or foster family. Again, without getting all technical, openness can range from update letters to phone contact to face to face visits, with many other options in between. Today, openness planning has so many facets and possibilities, however, when I was placed on adoption back in 1959, the rules were quite different. Openness was not typically entertained as an option when adoption was the plan; particularly in Children’s Aid Society adoptions compared to private adoptions. My parents were essentially told, ‘here is your daughter, raise her as your own and forget about where she came from’. I had no information about, or exposure to my biological family while I was growing up. I was emotionally and legally my adoptive parents’ daughter. Yet, people often referred to my birth parents as my “real” parents in the Court of public opinion.

I think that when other people judge me, or when I perceive that I am being judged, it is due to being part of a family created through adoption as well as my family and I having always been judged in the Court of public opinion. As a result, when other people think poorly of who I am, or of something I did, my ‘poor little orphan’ persona takes over emotionally. I believe that this empowers them and gives people a ‘right’ to judge me that I accept.
People who know me see a strong, capable, and confident person. But if they point out a flaw I immediately and emotionally default to having been adopted, not quite good enough to have been kept by my birth parents. It is uncanny how that drives my feelings and my need to do better. The little adopted girl inside of me often determines my reaction, or response. I think you would see me as defensive when confronted with the Court of public, or colleagues’ or my friends’ opinion of something I said, cooked, wore, an so on.

Other times I get defensive of my parents are when the person in front of me is judging them as ‘abnormal’ for not creating biological children. Calling them abnormal calls me abnormal by default, don’t people see that? All of these feelings happen in the seconds it takes me to respond to what someone has said or done. Being adopted does not define me, but it can often define how I take and respond to another person’s comments or questions. Sometimes, admittedly, it is not pretty.

At this point, you may be asking yourself, why do I care? Well firstly, I think everyone cares what people think. We even raise our children to care what people think as a kind of social control. Historically, the expectations of elders helped create social norms, based on their life experiences to promote acceptance, safety and control. I believe social norms are intended for things like preventing children from farting in public. After all, parents do not want other parents to think their children are being raised by wolves do they? Perhaps to replace the teachings of our elders, I think the court of public opinion replaced and still replaces their teachings so that people follow social norms as a matter of maintaining civilization. Keeping in mind that kinship was historically socially accepted, expected even, but adoption is not always considered a social norm is it?

I feel that adoption has always been judged in the Court of public opinion. Often adoptive families are considered heroes for taking in and parenting children born to other people. On the flip side, adoptive parents are also subjected to overhearing comments like, “aren’t they afraid of bad blood?”, “such a pity they cannot have children of their own”, or even, “I wonder which one of them is at fault?”  Historically, if no biological family was available to take in a child or children, then a community family took in and raised those orphaned children. These parents accepted full responsibility for the children in their care even though they were not related to them. Eventually these scenarios were legalized as adoption. Most of society simply felt that adoption was an extension of the practice of kinship, not some weird “how do you love another person’s child” thing. What my mom never understood, is how other people did not get it, or why they questioned the practice of adoption. She grew up in a society where people took care of children in need. I, was in need of a family and my mom and dad wanted children. To my mom, it was as simple as that.

When my parents adopted there was a combination of shame and desire. My parents heard about adoption in their church when a missionary spoke of the need of orphaned children. They knew kinship, had many family members raised with kin, but had never really thought of raising a child that was not ‘kin’ to them. My mother dealt with the shame by owning it, telling people (much to my embarrassment of course) how they could get pregnant easily but that she could not carry to term. She wanted society to know it was her fault, and that my dad was no less of a man. I wish I was kidding but late in her life I asked her why she always told people that, and she explained, ‘to protect your father’s reputation’. Wow. This was the woman the Court of Public Opinion judged so harshly. 

Personally, I do not think having intercourse in order to become a ‘real’ parent is anywhere near as challenging as having a home study completed, taking courses on parenting and child rearing, or putting your name forward for a child and being the subject of a selection committee who will decide if you can have that child. But then, I also believe that shooting out of a birth canal and being placed on someone’s stomach is no guarantee of being wanted either. I am living proof of that. However, when someone jumps all the hoops in order to adopt a child or children, I think it is generally accepted that they want them, don’t you agree? I accept that there are always exceptions to every rule, not all adoptions are arranged with pure intent, and not all adults should be responsible for raising children, whether through birth, kinship, or adoption. For some strange reason though, it just seems easier for people to judge adoptive families. 
In the Court of public opinion, the defence rests.

Thank all of you for continuing to read my thoughts. As I have said before, I write them down and ‘speak’ them out loud in the hopes of making a difference in the world of children and their families. If you have a comment that you are not comfortable sharing here in this public forum, please feel free to email me at [email protected] ‘See’ you next time.