Welcome back my Blogville friends. Today I am simply drinking a glass of water. I could not decide on a tea flavour as I am too preoccupied. I thank you for coming to ‘visit’ every couple of weeks to read my words. Today’s words are a jumble so I hope I can make some sense of this for you.

I think we can all agree that we have heard many expressions using the word “word”: I give you: ‘Words can hurt.’; ‘Empty words.’; ‘I give you my word.’; ‘Can we have a word?’; ‘In a word.’; and ‘Have the last word.’ These are just a few English expressions using the word “word”. Other considerations are whether one is using the written word or using spoken words, as well as the intent of the word user. This is where I am stuck today.

As you may or may not know, I have written a book (filled with words) that was illustrated by my birth half-sister, Krista. There were many words, both written and spoken, researched and random used in the process of writing that book. As the author, I was using my words to create a resource that might help families who are together as a result of the adoption or kinship processes. At the same time, Krista was illustrating characters to give life to my words. I think one of the most important outcomes of this book was in the creation of it; Krista and I using our words to get to know each other as half sisters while watching the book evolve. 

Each signed book that leaves my home office to travel into the hands of a family or a therapist to help inspire open communication between children and their caregivers is celebrated. Each time I make my way to the post office to ship one off, I feel honoured. I am honoured that I might be making a difference by helping children who cannot live with their birth parents talk about how that feels. It is hard to be the child who is not living in a nuclear family in the way society expects. I hope our book helps them to use their words to ask their questions about why that might have happened. I hope it helps children to understand and learn about their unique story; a story in which they are the star!

When the book was released, someone suggested that I start a Blog on my website. I was in my early sixties when the book was released, what did I know about Blogging? I have always loved writing. I have written many short stories and even wrote some little ‘books’ over my lifetime. I was always the ‘go to’ person to personalize cards, often even creating cards for people celebrating something special. I would draw and write cards for my immediate family as I was growing up but that is not at all what I understood blogging to be. But then someone said, Blogging is just writing about something you know about. Hmmmmm.

So, I started a blog. Well, I suppose if you are reading this you already know that. I don’t know how to explain this but my blogs kind of write themselves. I will just be sitting there minding my own business and suddenly have some weird thought. Or I may have been out and about and had an experience that I thought other people might relate to, or just enjoy reading about. Suddenly it is pen to paper with the idea (or keyboard to screen if I happen to be home) and usually the blog begins to write itself. Other times I sit before my screen and cannot think of one thing to write about that may be of interest to even one person. It’s a learning curve.

I also belong to a number of Facebook groups related to adoption. I started joining those groups to learn more about adoption and adopted people, like me. When I was an adoption worker and birth parent counsellor there were no groups like those; in fact there was no Facebook until late in my career. I had started a support group once that welcomed birth parents and adopted people. We were ahead of our time as people were just beginning to acknowledge the impact of adoption on all parties; the child, siblings; the birth parents; and the adoptive parents. 

At that time it was not really the act of adoption itself that people were dealing with, but the impact of the secrecy and the government’s refusal to allow information to be shared with the adopted people and birth parents even when the adopted person turned 18 years old. People were just starting to talk about their rights as adult adopted people.

But I digress, I was talking about starting a blog. I don’t just blog about adoption but it is mostly the theme. I read about the feelings, many good, and many bad on those Facebook groups for adopted people and I understand the need to talk among ourselves about the impact that having been adopted has on us. I know what you are thinking but they are not all bad, those impacts, for many they have been positive and that is acknowledged and celebrated too. What these groups offer is a place where people understand the need to share without judgment. I feel like I have a goal with my blogs. They are about my life as an adult adopted person in that I just want people to understand how the impact of the decisions made by others redirected my life.

I am using my words to help people understand the impact of adoption on people who were adopted; at least based on my own experience. I write the blog in the hopes that adopted people might read it and feel supported and understood. I write in the hopes that adoptive parents might read it and gain some insight into how being adopted affects one person, me, but also that their child might be feeling some of the same feelings but not know how to use their words to express their feelings.

I understand that there is fallout to publicly giving opinions on any topic, especially topics with significant emotions attached. I risk sharing my words about the impact the decisions of my birth parents made had on me and know that their family members may read it. Despite that, I believe people need to be aware of the impact. Family members and friends need to understand why someone may not want to celebrate their birthday (no it is not about their age); or why someone becomes uncomfortable with matters of providing genetic information (and having to explain themselves), even being afraid to date as it may be a blood relative.  

I feel that people may need to be more empathetic in understanding that many adult adopted persons take things very differently (like rejection; real or imagined) and may immediately revert to their feelings about having been relinquished. I regret any discomfort this may cause people but I cannot bring myself to stay quiet any longer. Having been adopted impacts on people, but everyone is different. 

Adoption can be a positive option and change the lives of millions of children. I just want folks to know that for many, no matter how positive their adoption was, it leaves a mark. To bring attention to this, I must use my words! 

This begs the question of whether I have the right to share my thoughts and feelings of the impact my birth parents’ actions have had on my life? After all, 
Sometimes my thoughts are about the parents of my half-siblings; the children they wanted, kept and raised. Parents their kept children saw in a different light. 

One of my birth sisters wisely advises, “If the blogs bother you, don’t read them!”

Hearing that other people might be upset by my words made me wonder if I should stop blogging. Do you think I should?

I’m open to hearing your thoughts on this issue. You can leave your thoughts here in the comments, or you can send me an email at [email protected]
Thank you for reading my words. 

​So I am risking writing this blog of my thoughts about communication in marriage, well actually really about any two adults in a committed relationship and communication. I mean, I’m no expert but this summer my husband and I will be celebrating our 46th wedding anniversary, so I think we did ok. You be the communication judge!

Even though we have been together for what seems like forever, I can still remember the early days of when we first met and began dating. We dated for about six months before he offered his marriage proposal and I accepted. We remained engaged for two years while my then fiancé attended post secondary education in a different community. Lots of letter writing and long phone calls. Following our wedding we felt so grown up, imagine, all grown up at 21 years old. I can still remember the many ways our relationship changed when we became parents for the first time two years later. As young parents, both of us continued on with post secondary education while facing the challenges that presented themselves, such as day care, and all the other trials of parenting. By the time of our fourth child was born, I can barely remember if we were even talking on a regular basis, let alone effectively communicating, but we must have been. Oh and all of this while we were living in pre-cell phone (ancient) times! Imagine, communicating without messaging or texting!

Further proof that we were communicating is evidenced by the fact that the kids all got to day care, and school, and any extra curricular activities like Brownies, guitar lessons, soccer matches and so forth. So, clearly one or both of us would have had to get them there, stay to watch as appropriate to the activity, and then get them home again. I sometimes regret not having a communication money jar. A jar that we could have put money in when we communicated well. I picture that jar up on a high, but visible, shelf in the kitchen. Sometimes I picture that it would have been full of money and other times I see it completely empty. Ok, that’s not true, I cannot really picture it completely empty, just some days when there could have been more money in the jar. So for example, if one of us was coming in the door just as the other was rushing out with one kid or another in some uniform or another and all the kids had granola bars and juice boxes in hand for their ‘dinner’ to scarf down in the vehicle, that would have been a good communication event! Cha-ching, money in the jar! We wouldn’t have been rich but the jar would have paid for a few things we could have enjoyed as a couple. Who am I kidding? That jar would have depleted itself for dues, or entry fees, gas, or even parking meters lol, but still. . .

If you are a parent, I think you are aware of what is termed, “Work/Life Balance”. I have personally fallen off of that balance bar a number of times. For example, I recall randomly booking an evening work appointment, causing my husband to have to pack the Brownie and her sister into a wagon and walk to the activity because I had taken the vehicle to work. Or, other times, arriving home late after work surprised to find my husband, the children, and the wagon missing. A sure sign that I must have forgotten that one of the kids had some type of activity! Communication failure, no money in the jar.

I’m not sure if this has ever happened in your relationship but there are also the ‘misunderstanding’ and ‘not listening’ or ‘half-listening’ communication events. Like when your partner is truly curious why you have chosen those shoes, or that outfit, because apparently you misunderstood the nature of the activity you were getting ready to attend. Or when your partner gives you details of something and less than an hour later you start asking for those same details. Or, that time when your child was sulking on the couch and you tripped over their baseball equipment that was in your way when you came in the door? You were late because you had brought home chicken sandwiches after hearing your partner talking about “fowls (fouls)” at breakfast and you wanted to show you were listening. So . . No money in the jar.

Think about tone with communications like, “Are you making that for dinner?” “Are you wearing that jacket?” “Your mother called.” Communication can be so ambiguous. I remember in grammar/elementary school the teacher gave us a communication example. The example used was for a discussion about the description; “A black man’s wallet.” This could potentially mean a wallet belonging to an African Canadian person, or it could mean that the wallet itself could be black in colour. Right? Tone and grammar are a slippery slope in relationships. So, I think you can see how phrases like, “Are you making that for dinner?”, “Is that what you’re wearing?”, “I’ve been waiting for you.” all show potential for communication failures. I feel that those same communication concerns are now further heightened by text messaging. Text messages cannot relay tone very well, ergo the use of emojis. I’m sure each of you can think of a text message misunderstanding between you and the person you had been texting. Am I right? I know I can think of too many personal examples!

Listening with full attention was always a challenge while we were raising our children. Heck, listening with full attention was a challenge even before we had children lol. I remember one time when my husband was still my boyfriend, he went on a family vacation that I thought was for a week. At the end of what felt like a really long week I started walking by his home to see if the car was back. Each subsequent day that the car wasn’t back I started imagining all kinds of bad things. I worried about car trouble, or worse, and then wondered who would even think to let me know if they were in trouble? One day I saw a man coming out of my boyfriend’s house so I asked him if everything was ok. He seemed confused and said everything was good with the house. When I teared up and said I meant is everything ok with the family he said as far as he knew they were fine and would be home on Sunday. Apparently it was a two week holiday! I was so relieved. Clearly, I had simply not listened well.
I honestly don’t know how we made it through some days, but we did. That is how I know you can make it too! I hope you didn’t miss anything thing your partner said, messaged, or texted while you were reading this Blog! Thanks for reading, I appreciate it. 

If you have any comments, you can leave them right here or send me an email at [email protected] Just make sure to ‘communicate’ them. See you in two weeks. Take great good care of yourself and each other!

Welcome back to Blogville my friends. Thank you for always coming back and reading what I have to say. Even I am surprised by my thoughts sometimes. This blog is a good example. Maybe it is because Mother’s Day just passed and with Father’s Day looming I keep thinking about mom and dad and how I wish I could pick up the phone and say all of my unsaid words to them. But, sadly, it is too late for that. So I have decided to write them a posthumous letter instead while I sip on my hibiscus tea. I thought I might share it with you. (Trigger warning- emotional, grief)

Dear Mom and Dad,

The other day I picked up the phone to call my friend and was almost finished dialling your old phone number before I realized what I was doing. I feel that maybe, subconsciously, there were things I left unsaid before each of you left this life. I wonder if this many years needed to pass after losing each of you before I could say these things out loud. I’m sorry I could not say them sooner, or say them to both of you but here they are with all my heart.

Mom and dad, I thank you for being there, for saying yes when the worker called to ask you if you would be interested in adopting me, a nine month old baby girl. So the story goes mom, you called dad at work to share the news and make sure he was in agreement before you called the worker back to say ‘YES!’. I know that you then called all your friends, most of them also adoptive parents, to tell them the good news. I know you felt especially fortunate to be offered a baby as young as I was because you used to tell me how only people who could afford to adopt privately got the newborns. I’m sorry I was so old when I moved in with you mom, however, other than often hearing the story about private adoptions and newborns, I know you were excited to begin parenting a fairly young baby. I also know that if you knew how it made me feel, you would have stopped telling the “private newborn” story in front of me and my brother who was 2 1/2 years old when you adopted him. How could you have known how it felt to have been reminded that you were really a consolation prize? Dad, when I look at the old film of the day I arrived, I can see that you thought I was pretty small, young, and breakable judging by the fear on your face when mom handed me to you for the first time (even though you were trying to look natural and relaxed for the filmographer). Despite my being adopted, you and I had the same sticking-out ears, which was obvious in the film clip where you first held me. Our similar ears, blue eyes and our tall, thin builds made us a great accidental match as father and daughter. If the whole town hadn’t known I was adopted, I bet we could have fooled people. 

Mom and dad, I thank you for the excitement and pride you both demonstrated on the day I arrived (and I really thank the family friend who brought a film camera that day). To me, my arrival day film is like a birth video without all the yelling, blood, and people passing out!

Mom, I know you had to advocate with your family doctor and with the hospital to arrange for my umbilical hernia surgery, a condition of my placement with you. After meeting my foster mother a while back I learned that whole thing was kind of a race. She, who wanted to keep me as long as possible was trying to make arrangements in her community for the surgery and my recovery as soon as she could, while in some weird kind of custody race, you were also trying to make those same arrangements in your community happen sooner. You won! I could hear the hurt in your voice mom when you would tell the tale of how I had to be hospitalized for that surgery almost immediately after arriving into the family. It hurt you deeply when I was more easily comforted by the nursing staff than by you. I wish you had known mom that I had been cared for by nurses (likely in uniform in those days) for many weeks from my birth until my agency sent a worker to collect me. So, naturally, nurses would have been more comforting to a nine month old baby than you, sadly a virtual stranger to me at that point, would have been. I had already lived with a few strangers (multiple foster home placements) in my short lifetime, so I’m pretty sure I was somehow just trying to protect myself. I’m sorry mom, that must have been so hard for you, thank you for continuing to visit with me despite my apparent rejection of you while in hospital. If you were still here , I know you would simply say, “Oh, that’s just what mothers do Lynn.” 

I thank you and dad for saying yes despite having minimal information about me and virtually no information about my biological family members. In fact, it turns out there was even huge misinformation, such as being told I had an older birth brother who had been kept by the family and that my birth mother had been made to give me up because her parents did not want to ‘encourage that behaviour’. As it turned out, that baby boy was actually a baby girl who had also been placed for adoption. When I found this out in my twenties you were pretty ticked off that you had been given the wrong information. You felt complicit in the lies, though you were as innocent a victim of misinformation as I was. The adoption process in those days was incredibly poor, but you and dad made it work. The trauma I experienced was caused by my abandonment at birth, not only by my birth parents but by my entire child protection agency, and finally, by suddenly being moved (again) from a foster family that actually cared for me. These traumas were not caused by you and dad, but you were left to manage my trauma behaviours without any real support. Thank you for doing your best to mitigate those early traumas. 

Thank you for maintaining friendships with other adoptive families in our community (long before support groups became a thing) so that I didn’t feel like a weirdo. All of us children were aware that we had been adopted and I strongly believe there was some comfort in knowing that adoption was a ‘thing’, that it wasn’t simply because of something I had done to make my birth parents not want to keep me and parent me. I remember watching an old show in those days filmed in Toronto called “Family Finder” where children available for adoption were showcased in the hopes of finding  adoptive families for them. I also recall seeing a newspaper column called “Today’s Child” with the same goal of matching children with adopting families. I would sometimes wonder if any of my adopted friends had been ‘found’ that way. I remember my brother treating Family Finder’ a bit like a shopping channel, searching for that baby brother he always wanted (but never got). I also remember when I was a bit older wondering if I would have been dressed up and made to go on tv or to a photo shoot if you hadn’t said yes to the adoption worker when she called, although I’m not sure if that television show or the newspaper column existed when I was made available for adoption. Apparently the TV show was sponsored by Mattel and all the children profiled got some pretty cool toys for their starring roles as available orphans. Hmmm, a new Barbie or you two as my parents? I think I got the better ‘prize.”

Mom, you were always gentle and as truthful as you thought was right when I would ask questions about my story, or my adopted friends’ stories. Dad, I think you were terrified of saying the wrong thing, so you would get that ‘deer in the headlights’ look and say, “Go ask your mother.” Mom, you were always kind about my birth mother and her ‘situation’, although it sometimes hurt when you would say her loss was your gain. I know you meant well, but her loss was my loss too. In fact all of us adopted children who played together had trauma and loss issues that impacted on many of us in different ways as time went on. I do thank you for building relationships with other families who became like my extended family. Oh and growing up as an adoptee, one benefit was that at least I knew a worker had delivered me to you, not some weird Stork!

Fast forward to when I sought out that birth brother, who turned out to be a birth sister! I will never forget the support I felt from you about seeking a relationship with that older, biological sibling. Not that at age 32 I needed your consent, but as your daughter I felt that I needed your blessing. You gave it freely. When you met my birth sister mom, you were warm, accepting, and curious. You even told her that if you and dad had known about her, you would have adopted her too, and I knew you meant it. Afterwards, you would always ask about her, and how she was doing. I know that must have been hard for you and dad, and I thank you for understanding my need to find her and for accepting her into our lives. 

When I found and met my birth father, I never told you dad. I cannot explain why really, except that it felt like somehow I was betraying you. There was a little daddy’s girl in me that did not want to ever be the cause of any hurt in your eyes. I think people accept that adopted children might one day want to find their birth mother to understand why they were given up, but the birth father is somehow seen simply as a sperm donor left out of the tough decision making. This is not completely true, many birth fathers did not know they had a biological child in the world and are happy when they are ‘found’. When I told you mom, that our birth mother was not interested in meeting my birth sister and I, you simply said, “I’m sorry to hear that, but Lynn, it’s her loss if she doesn’t want to meet you and your sister.” That’s not completely true, it was actually a loss for all three of us, but I understood what you were saying. Thank you mom, for making that situation about her, not me, and for making me feel that I was worth meeting. 

Mom, when I was in my 60s and you in your 90s I was able to locate and meet my last foster mother, the one who fought hard to keep me for the surgery. When I told you about meeting her and what a nice person she is you heard me out, looked me in the eye, and then said simply, “Did you thank her for me?” 

I miss you Mom and Dad
Love, 
Lynn


Once again, thank you for joining me in Blogville. I always appreciate your comments on my thoughts whether here, or more privately, by email [email protected] I’ll ‘see’ you next time. ​

Hi everyone, welcome back to Blogville. I am sipping on a wild raspberry hibiscus herbal tea as I write to you. I really did not know what flavour to choose today for our visit. Something sweet and flavourful because I want to reach out to adoptive parents and talk about fantasy versus reality in the hopes of encouraging that they can talk with their children about it too.

As I’m sure you are aware, your children and youth think about their birth parents. What you might not know is that only rarely are they comparing you with their idea of what their birth parents might be like. In case you had not noticed, if they take place at all, these comparisons tend to occur when you have disagreed with your child or youth, given them a consequence, or otherwise put some kind of expectations on them. After all, their birth parents would never be so ‘mean’.

In your child or youth’s mind, their birth parents would let them have a tattoo, or let them stay the weekend with friends, or give them a bigger allowance, or whatever the current issue is. That being said, I appreciate how hard it is not to state what their birth parents did not do, that is . . .stick around to parent them. This is where self-control comes in, I mean yours of course, not your child’s. 

The closest other scenario I can think of involves step-parents. I have noted that even when children cannot stand them, those same step-parents sure come in handy to throw in their biological parents’ faces. I mean, they might not have any idea how their absent biological parents might handle a scenario but somehow they know they would handle it better than their step-parent, and they tell them so. Even when children or youth are living with both biological parents, their friends’ parents usually serve as great models with whom they can compare their parents to at any moment (i.e. “Rebecca’s mother said she can go!”). The bottom line here is that the child or youth that you are parenting is stuck with you, your rules, your expectations, and your parenting style, no matter how you came to be their parent. Adoptive parents just somehow seem to be easier targets at times.

I think the greatest hurt occurs when adopted children are comparing their adoptive parents’ behaviour to their birth parents’ imagined behaviour. How do parents compete with that? I think adoptive parents must have to bite their tongues a lot in order to avoid saying negative things about their child’s birth parents, don’t you? I remember wanting to shout at my mom about how much better and more fair my birth mother probably was but then I stopped myself. I was both hopeful and afraid that my mom might tell me to go live with her. There were exactly twelve steps to stomp on as I made my way upstairs to my room. I can still feel the shake of my childhood bed as I threw myself down on it in anger. I remember thinking that my parents were jerks and being unfair and fantasizing that my birth mother would be flawlessly amazing. I was sure of it. I imagined my tall, slender, and beautiful birth mother entering my room, putting her hand on my shoulder and telling me that she would never treat me like that, and further, that if I lived with her, I could do whatever I wanted. My inner child was both shocked and disappointed when I later met her adult children and they informed me that she was pretty much just a normal, sometimes even irritating parent, the way most parents are. No wonder my mother never said a word. . . she must have known in her heart that no matter what, parents parent in what they believe is the best interest of their children, despite their children’s reactions.

In my mind, as I was being raised, I could do better; just as I believe many adopted children also felt. I have heard biological kids wishing that their friend’s mom was their own mom, or that their gym teacher was their dad, or in general that their parents were not their parents. For an adopted person, there is some confusion about this thinking, often making it hard to understand birth children’s ‘fantasy parent’ thoughts. After all, in our reality, our birth parent(s) actually believed that someone else could do a better job parenting them than they could, or wanted to, and they gave away their parental rights to us. Therefore, hearing their friend’s wishes/fantasies about changing parents can be confusing to adopted people who often know nothing more about their biological parents than the fact that they left them. This makes it hard to understand why someone would even consider replacing the parents who wanted and kept them.

As you are likely aware, I am also confused by the ‘real parent’ thinking in our society. I mean most of us know that society has it wrong, the adoptive parents are the ‘real’ parents and the biological parents are exactly that, the biological or birth parents. No more, no less. Birth parents may be responsible for the child being on this planet, but their adoptive parents are responsible for helping the child learn to contribute positively to society and care for, or at least about, the people they share this planet with. Always having to explain/defend the fact that your real parents are the ones who took responsibility for you, not the ones who biologically created you, can be tough.

It is also easier to accept the idea that the birth parents could not cope with parenthood at the time the child was born, and that everyone had agreed that the child would be better off with their adoptive parents. After all, if this was not the case, there must have been something wrong with the child for them to have been rejected and available for adoption right? Despite being told that her parents had made my birth mother place me on adoption, I have always tried to cope with feeling that it was something I did as a newborn to make her walk away from that home for unwed mothers, leaving me behind, and never looking back. 

Let’s talk a minute about open adoptions; where there is ongoing contact between the adopted person and members of their birth family. The birth parent, or even a grandparent wants to know how the child is doing while the adoptive parent is actually parenting of the child. The adoptive parents’ parenting responsibility does not change in an open adoption even where a birth parent is able to send gifts, write letters, or even have visits while the child is still a minor. The adoptive parents may have to put boundaries around gift giving (don’t send a horse, we live in a condo) but openness can be good when it makes sense for the child. The adoptive parents may have to pick up the emotional pieces after a visit between birth parents and their birth children but I believe the child may feel less rejected when they have openness with a member or members of their birth family. As I did not have openness, this is purely speculation. However, openness may be a topic for another blog, so I will leave that topic here.

My birth mother was a great mother to the children she was later able to have and raise once she was settled down and in a stable relationship. Her relinquishment decision following my birth allowed me to have loving parents. She gave me the gift of parents who were already settled down in their stable relationship and ready to be parents. But oh, how growing up with such a loss allowed me to fantasize. In my child’s mind my birth mother was perfect when my parents were imperfect, she was kind when I thought they were being mean, reasonable when compared to my unreasonable parents. Only as an adult did I finally realize the truth that my parents accepted me, loved me, and lived with me while trying to raise their daughter to be a good person. All this, despite my not having been born to them, sorry for your loss birth mother.

My dear adoptive parents, you cannot stop your child from thinking about and comparing you to their fantasy birth parents, any more than you can stop fantasizing about what your birth child might have been like. All you can do is put all the fantasy and reality in the adoption process into perspective and live your best lives. 

Thank you for continuing to read my thoughts my Blogville friends. I do love hearing from you whether on here, or via my email, [email protected] 
Until next time.

Hi and welcome back to Blogville my friends. Today is a Reishi Relax tea that I have steeped before tackling this difficult topic. Last time we talked about people’s reactions when people announce their intent to adopt. Now I’d like to talk a little about how you can, and should, be there for them. With respect, I may repeat some of the points of my last blog in order to stress the importance of support for these new families. These two blogs have been inspired by the fact that here in Ontario an Adoption Recruitment (and potential matching) event takes place in April annually. This is an opportunity for potential adoptive parents to be matched with children and youth who are in need of parents. So, those of you who may be friends with, or have relatives who have been matched with a child or youth to adopt as a result of this conference, please know that they will need you now more than ever.
This blog is directed specifically at folks whose friend or relative is adopting. If all goes as planned, they will become parents through adoption! They will experience fear and excitement about what their child will be like, what becoming parents will be like, and what raising their child will be like. Adopting ups the ante on an already difficult road, the road to becoming parents. What do they need from you? Truthfully, what they really need during the process is you: the supportive version; the excited version; the non-judgemental version; the encouraging version; the person they can trust to tell their fears to version; and sometimes, even the advisor version. Parenting is a difficult road already, adoption ups the ante. Support your friends or relatives when they hear all those negative adoption comments from other people. They need you! What does support look like on an adoption journey? Well, something like this:

In my experience, we still might host ‘baby showers’ for expectant parents, right? Yet, often adoptive parents welcome their child without such a tradition or fanfare. Why is that? Why do we expect that these new parents have everything they need to welcome their child? Despite the time involved in the application, training and home-study process, preparation for becoming parents to an actual child, youth, or sibling set is typically much less than nine months. They may be selected for, and about to parent a sibling set within weeks and suddenly find themselves in need of various supplies, equipment such as car seats, or even big items such as twin beds or bunk beds! Throw the darn shower for goodness sakes! Call it a welcome shower if they are expecting an older child! Ask the expectant grandparents what the expectant parents need, just like when a biological child is on the way. Be creative! 

If the expectant parent or parents will be parenting an older child it is very important to understand that they are still becoming new parents, (even if their child has some life experience already), and they will need support.
I cannot stress enough the importance of acknowledging that they will be parenting their ‘own’ child or children and will become their child/children’s ‘real’ parents. In my experience friends and family don’t dwell on the intimate details of how biological parents got their biological child/children so why dwell on on the adoption experience? It is time to simply focus on the new family and do whatever you can to support them.

It is important that you do not talk negatively about the journey they are about to travel. Trust me when I tell you that they have thought of all those things before deciding to go forward. Plus their adoption worker has already gone over even more about the risks than you can ever know. Talk support instead, tell them that even if this is all new to you, that you will be there for them. No one knows what the future holds for any child, no matter how they joined their family, so do not make and share any assumptions. Simply join this new family as a support. 

For goodness sakes, do not let your eyes bug out of your head when you hear they have been chosen for a 7 year old. Instead, recognize that they don’t just have 11 years with their new child; afterall, parenting lasts a lifetime! Acknowledging the fact that you believe they will be able to bond with their child without having given birth to them will be so meaningful. When they face challenges from having jumped into parenting an older child or siblIng set, be there, because they need you the most.

To me the bottom line is not how a child joined their family, but simply that they are now a family. In my experience, all families need supportive family members and friends. Being there and asking how you can help is the greatest gift you can give. 

As ever, if you would like to comment away from this public site, i encourage you to send me an email at [email protected]
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